57: Communication, boundaries and balance with Aeoliana Elliot

[00:00:00] Rosie: G'day and welcome to the Pursuit of Freedom podcast. I'm your host, Rosie Burrows, and I'm on a journey to find my freedom so that I can help you do exactly the same. Join me each week as I share the stories of everyday people who found their own path to freedom. I'm not going to focus on job titles and accolades because I don't care about that stuff, and neither should I want to uncover what truly makes you tick.

[00:00:27] Who are you? When you step away from society's expectations and follow your heart. I still haven't figured it out yet. Have you? Either way, buckle up, because it's going to be one hell of a ride. Welcome back to the Pursuit of Freedom podcast. Joining me today is Aeoliana Elliott. She has been very patient with me.

[00:00:48] This is the very first time I have shown up late to one of my recordings. It's so embarrassing, but that's life sometimes. The van is all over the place. The Starlink is all over the place. But here we are, and I'm actually really excited for this conversation. Aeoliana, Solopreneur, she's a mother, she's a wife, a full time paralegal.

[00:01:09] So many things. And like all of us. She's more than just one label, and we're going to dive into that today. So Ayoliana, thank you so much for joining us.

[00:01:19] Aeoliana: Thank you so much for having me, Rosie. Now, remember, you're not late. You arrived exactly when you were supposed to arrive.

[00:01:25] Rosie: Thank you. That feels a lot better.

[00:01:28] Aeoliana: We're never late. We are exactly where we are supposed to be when we are supposed to be there.

[00:01:33] Rosie: I appreciate that. So hey, Liana, I really like to start these episodes kind of going back in my guests lives and unpacking who you were. What was life like for you as a little girl? Where did your journey start?

[00:01:49] Oh my

[00:01:50] Aeoliana: gosh, that's,

[00:01:50] Rosie: we're

[00:01:50] Aeoliana: going way back. Oh yeah. So I was born in Puerto Rico. Um, I would live there with my parents, my brothers. I have two brothers. Um, until about 1985. And then we moved my dad. We used to work for a company called city bank, city group, city corp, it's changed different names. Um, if you have a credit card, you have a city card, same company.

[00:02:16] Um, used to work for that company. And in 85, they moved him from Puerto Rico. And

[00:02:24] Rosie: so we

[00:02:24] Aeoliana: moved to Florida in 85, and we have been here ever since. Um, I got my bachelor's in criminology from the University of South Florida. Um, I worked as a lawyer. Still work, but worked, started working as a paralegal legal assistant at the state attorney's office in Tampa.

[00:02:47] Um, I met my husband in middle school. We started dating after, um, after college. We've been married for 19 years now. We hit 20 years in May.

[00:03:01] Rosie: Congratulations. We have

[00:03:03] Aeoliana: a Thank you! We have a 12 year old son who lives and breathes and plays hockey. So that is their life. I work from home as a paralegal full time and then our weekends are spent at the hockey rink.

[00:03:20] He's on two different teams. Wow. So our time is split with lots of practices, lots of, you know, tournaments, games, things like that. So I am the, the old, like the t shirts that say, I can't, my kid has, you know, you know, whatever, or something. That's totally me. Like, I can't, my kid has hockey. Or yeah, a game, a practice, we've got something.

[00:03:46] Um, so yeah, that's, that's me, that's me in a

[00:03:50] Rosie: nutshell. Wow. And isn't it cool that you've, you've designed your life in such a way that you can attend and be there for your son's hockey games, right? Not everybody can do that. You work full time as a paralegal. You had all these other things going on and yet you're present as a wife and a mother and I, I just think that's wonderful and I'd like to know how, how have you got it to this point?

[00:04:19] I know a lot of people struggle with that.

[00:04:21] Aeoliana: I think balance is something that everyone strives for, but it's something that it's a constant journey. It's not ever anything that you fully achieve because just when you think you have balance in one aspect of your life. Something else rolls along and it throws everything.

[00:04:38] Tell me about it. So you have to be adaptable. Yeah. You have to be adaptable. Like we were talking before we started last week, I had a couple of, uh, episodes. set up and I had to cancel them because Florida went through a hurricane. So it was like no power, you know, luckily we were okay. My heart goes out to everyone who was affected.

[00:05:01] We were very lucky, but you know, I had to roll with those punches. I had to be able to reschedule things. And so for me, I think being able to do all the things is realizing that I can't do all the things all the time. Like I have to pick. Special times, you know, where I'm focused on my son, like right now he's downstairs playing video games, but in about an hour I'll sit down with him.

[00:05:28] He's got a test tomorrow and we'll go through, you know, homework earlier today. My lunchtime is my husband works from home as well. So lunchtime I'll go downstairs. We have lunch together or, you know, there's a hockey game on right now. Our team is playing. So we might put that on the radio while we do other things.

[00:05:49] Rosie: Um,

[00:05:51] Aeoliana: or I focus on my work when I have something available for, you know, for my paralegal position, or if I have a client call or a podcast or something to do during the day, I I block out time for things like that. So that's been the only way that I can function is to block time out specifically for.

[00:06:16] Whatever it is that I want to do. I used to think that you could multitask. And I realized that that there's no such thing because if you're not giving your full attention to one activity, you're half assing all the other ones.

[00:06:35] Rosie: So you're not

[00:06:35] Aeoliana: fully present. And I think that's the biggest thing is when you're doing something, you need to be fully present, whatever that something is.

[00:06:43] Rosie: And

[00:06:44] Aeoliana: I think a lot of people think that you have to give, you know, like two hours of your time to focus on an activity. You really don't. Our time spans are 25, 15, 20, 25 minutes that we can do.

[00:07:01] Rosie: So

[00:07:02] Aeoliana: just block out your time in those small increments and focus on one thing at a time. I don't know. What do you do?

[00:07:11] Rosie: Ah, well, when I'm on top of things, same thing, chunk out the time, right. And when, when it strays from that, things are just overwhelming. It's chaos. All these different things. And my focus is split. And I'm, I don't get anywhere. I think, yeah, I'm going to work on this and this and this and this. everything going on in your head.

[00:07:31] But yeah, I love the concept of chunking time. And I love that you mentioned it doesn't have to be several hours, even something like 15 minutes can make a difference depending on what the task is. So I, I love that. And I'd like to know, Did you always have this balance? Like what? No. Okay. What was life like then without this?

[00:07:56] Yeah. No.

[00:07:56] Aeoliana: So I've always been a type A personality. So I've always been the kind of person where if I'm not doing something, like I always have to be doing something.

[00:08:08] Rosie: Yeah.

[00:08:09] Aeoliana: And, and multiple things. So like, I'm the kind of person I still do it. I try not to, but I'm the kind of person that I am watching a movie.

[00:08:20] I'm listening to a podcast or listening to a course I'm taking and I'm taking notes. And at the same time I'm making sure, you know, if my son comes and talks to me, I'm talking to him, I'm talking to my husband. I have like 10 different things going on. And if you were to ask me, this is funny that you asked me this question because yesterday, uh, my husband, my son and I were talking about something similar and I asked him, um, I asked my husband, I said, is there, no, I asked my son, I said, is there ever a time where I'm talking to you and you zone out, you tune out?

[00:08:58] And he's like, yeah, sometimes. And I know for me, there's times where my husband will talk to me and I'm doing something. And I don't know if you're familiar with the Peanuts characters.

[00:09:08] Rosie: Yeah, yeah. Snoopy and,

[00:09:10] Aeoliana: okay, so you know how when the adults talk, you hear that wah, wah, wah? Okay, there are times where I physically hear my husband's talking and all I hear is wah, wah, wah, and I have to stop him and I have to be like, okay, babe, I did not hear anything you just said.

[00:09:30] This is the last thing I remember. Can you please repeat whatever it is that you were talking about because I didn't, I was not focused on what you were saying and I did not hear anything that you said. And so now I'm a little bit more present in realizing that I can't do all the things I have to focus.

[00:09:53] And maybe it's with age. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe it's something that, You realize as you get older that your mind can only focus on one thing at a time to really hone in on it and really suck all of the goodness of whatever that moment is. or whatever that activity is or whatever it is. Um, so that's been something that I've really been focused on, but no, I was not like that.

[00:10:22] Maybe as early as three, four years ago, I wasn't like that at all.

[00:10:28] Rosie: Yeah. Yeah. But how good does it feel, right? To have this balance, such a good feeling. Yeah. And I can really relate to, You know, someone talking to you and you just, you didn't catch a word of it because you're concentrating on something else.

[00:10:43] And you know, sometimes I feel rude to go, Oh, can you repeat that? I like, I didn't catch a word of it, but actually I think that's the right thing to do rather than pretend you heard it. And yeah. Yeah. You know, further down the track, it's going to backfire. They go, well, I told you that. And you said, yes, because sometimes I respond to go.

[00:11:03] Yeah. Uh huh. Yep.

[00:11:06] Aeoliana: Yep. My husband is notorious for that. He is notorious for listening to me say something and he's not paying attention. It actually happened a couple of weeks ago. I told him something that we were supposed to do for, I think it was for our son or something that we needed to get or something like that.

[00:11:23] Or no, it was a, it was a membership or something that I was buying that I was opting into. And I told him, I said, this is how much it's going to be a month. It's, it's an ongoing thing. You know, I think it's going to really help me. And he's like, yeah, that sounds great. And when the, when the thing came out into our account, he's like, what is this?

[00:11:45] And I'm like, I told you like three weeks ago, we sat down, you were sitting there, you were eating dinner. I was over here. I gave you the entire spiel of what it was, the purpose of it, why I wanted to do it. And you said it was a great idea. And he's like, I don't remember that. And I'm like, but, you know, I mean, we're human, it, it happens, you know, it, you know, we get like millions of, you know, thoughts and ideas and synapses in our brain, you know, like a mile a minute, we don't, there's no way we can process all of them.

[00:12:21] Rosie: Right.

[00:12:21] Aeoliana: So. It's, you know, it's okay. You need a bit of empathy

[00:12:24] Rosie: there. Yeah.

[00:12:26] Aeoliana: Yeah. Yeah. We

[00:12:26] Rosie: forgive them. It's okay. Yeah. I mean, it can cause arguments. Right. But one, one thing that I find difficult, but that works is sometimes set the boundary like, Hey, I'm just working on this. Can you give me X amount of time and then I can be fully present for you.

[00:12:43] And that's helped me so much rather than just putting everything on hold because, Hey, someone wants to talk to me. Is that something you've, you do?

[00:12:51] Aeoliana: I do actually. I, like right now, I, my husband wanted to sit down and watch a movie. And I was like, well, I've got a podcast to do. I can come back and finish it with you.

[00:13:02] You know, my son was like, I need an earlier. My son was like, he was, he was at his grandparents. He was at my parents. And he's like, I'm going to need you to come pick me up. And I said, well, it's going to be now. Or it's going to be between six 30 and seven, because once I sit down, I can't stop what I'm doing and go pick you up.

[00:13:21] And sometimes he'll sit in here with me while I'm doing podcasts. He isn't now, but sometimes he'll sit in here with me and I'm like, okay, if you're going to be in here, you got to bring your headphones in and you have to be quiet. So yeah, definitely boundaries are really important thing. Not just when you're.

[00:13:39] You know, content creating, podcasting or anything like that, but in general, you know, and I think boundaries sometimes get a bad rap because people sometimes think that boundaries are for other people

[00:13:53] Rosie: to

[00:13:54] Aeoliana: not do something and boundaries aren't for other people. Boundaries are for you.

[00:13:59] Rosie: So the

[00:13:59] Aeoliana: consequences you put with a boundary is based on what you're going to do.

[00:14:04] So if somebody, you know, let's say like a friend of mine has this. This is how she explains boundaries. She says, if I tell you my boundary is that I don't answer telephone calls or client calls after nine o'clock or emails or anything, like everything shuts down at nine o'clock and you send me a message at that time or after that time, the consequence is I'm not going to answer you.

[00:14:32] Rosie: Now,

[00:14:33] Aeoliana: if I break that boundary, And I respond to you, then what I'm teaching you is that don't respect me, don't respect my boundaries because I'm not respecting my own boundaries. So if you look at boundaries and in the, in the sense of it's for you and not for them, I think it makes it a little bit easier to form those boundaries and stick to them

[00:14:59] Rosie: because you can't

[00:15:00] Aeoliana: control other people's actions.

[00:15:02] You can only control your own. So the consequences you put aren't if you do this. Then you're going to do this. No, the, the boundaries you put in is if you do this, I am going to do this.

[00:15:18] Rosie: Mm. Mm. I like that take. Yeah. And I think a lot of people, part of the reason they're uncomfortable with boundaries is they see it as unkind or cruel or rude even to set a boundary.

[00:15:34] But something I love, I don't know if you're familiar with Brene Brown, she does a lot of work on that. Yeah. Right. And one of the things she says is clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. Absolutely. I think that's. So true. How and how could people possibly know what it is you want if you don't communicate that?

[00:15:55] Aeoliana: Yeah. Communication is huge and it's something that not, not just in business, but in life in general, I think so many. People, you know, in relationships and friendships, you know, you're constantly assuming that, you know, what the other person is thinking, like use my son again as an example. So he's friends with, um, this girl at school and because she doesn't have a lot of friends, you know, she, He thinks that he likes her because he's her friend.

[00:16:30] And I told him it was like a week of me telling him, you need to be very clear with her that you just like her as a friend. You just want to be friends. You're not interested. And it's much easier. And I told him, I said, take it from, take it from me as someone who's been on the other end. It's much easier.

[00:16:52] To know upfront that someone is not interested in you, then for you, then for, for me to, or for them to think that you like me, there's so many misunderstandings when things aren't clear, everything gets muddy, you know, things get weird. And not just in relationships, but in general, you know, boundaries allow you to, like you said, to be clear.

[00:17:22] There's no doubt. There's no, well, maybe what about this? Or no, when you're clear and you let people know from the get go, there's no pretending. There's no, well, maybe they're going to go this way. No, they're always going to know, you know, this is what Rosie said, and this is how it's going to be. So I'm, I'm a huge fan of clear and communication and the more talking the better.

[00:17:53] Rosie: Yeah.

[00:17:54] Aeoliana: The more talking the better.

[00:17:57] Rosie: Yeah. I don't,

[00:17:57] Aeoliana: I don't like, I don't like assuming. I don't, I've always heard assume, when you assume it makes an ass out of you and me.

[00:18:06] Rosie: It's so true. Yeah. It does and it can have awful consequences. Yeah. I don't, I'm not sure there's. Ever really such a thing as over communication.

[00:18:17] I agree. I agree. Yeah. Mmm. Let's go back a couple of years. Sure. Because when we first met, you told me about a few life events that were pretty big. Oh, yeah. So in 2016, one of your labels then, you're a probation officer, right? Yes. Tell us about what happened.

[00:18:37] Aeoliana: So I had this client, um, she came in with, uh, pneumonia.

[00:18:43] I didn't know.

[00:18:44] Rosie: Mmm.

[00:18:46] Aeoliana: And so for the next week or so, I was having, yeah, I was still going to work, I was having really high fevers, I was getting shivers, and, uh, around, like, this was around February, I kept going to the emergency room with, you know, high fevers, and they're like, there's nothing wrong with you, you're fine, and I'm like, no, there is.

[00:19:10] I remember, And there's bits and pieces of this that I remember and I don't remember all of it. So I remember Valentine's Day, my husband came home and brought me chocolate covered strawberries, which I love. And I remember telling him, I feel toxic. I feel like, I feel like I just felt funny.

[00:19:31] Rosie: And

[00:19:31] Aeoliana: so my mom, Came and picked me up you I believe it was the next day.

[00:19:37] She took me to the ER. I called my husband and I said Mom brought me to the ER. I'm okay. They're checking me out Give my our son was Four three or four at the time. I said give him food And I'll see you, you know, if we're still here, you can come, you know, and mom will take the baby. And he's like, okay, no problem.

[00:20:02] And it was only a few hours between our conversation. And the only reason I remember that was because he told me we had the conversation. I have no recollection of it whatsoever. By the time he got to the hospital, I had gone into respiratory arrest. Um, they were intubating me and they were obviously admitting me.

[00:20:22] I had gotten walking pneumonia. Um, I was septic and all my organs were shutting down. Next thing I remember was waking up on February 26th. And I remember because that's my brother's birthday. So I remember him being in the hospital there. I don't know if I woke up before that, but that's the next thing I remember.

[00:20:45] Um, and then going through, I was there for another few days. Um, and then three months of physical therapy. I couldn't talk when I, when I woke up, um, I couldn't write, I couldn't walk. Um, I couldn't do anything. And during this time, my son had just started at hockey. And so while I was in the hospital, the way my family took care of everything Monday through Thursday, my son stayed with my parents and my brother.

[00:21:17] My husband was in the hospital with me and then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My husband would stay with, with our son, take him to hockey, spend time with him. And either my mom or my dad came to the hospital and stayed with me in the hospital, um, while I was, you know, through the intubation and everything like that,

[00:21:38] Rosie: um,

[00:21:40] Aeoliana: our families, our friends were great.

[00:21:42] Like they would come over and bring my husband food. Um, you know, they, my brother taught my son how to write his name. And my husband, every night he would have my son on the phone. I couldn't answer obviously. And my son was too young to know. So he would put him on the phone to say good night every single night.

[00:22:06] And then, you know, physical therapy. I, we stayed with my parents and I remember talking to my dad because I didn't have any recollection of it. And I was like, I don't remember. There's pieces. of the last few months that I don't remember. Why don't I remember? And he's like, oh, don't worry about it. It's okay.

[00:22:27] And I was like, no, that like, that really bothers me. And so when I was rehabbed enough, I went back to the hospital and I met with one of the nurses. had helped me through the whole thing. Her name was Geneva. She was amazing. And she actually sat down with me and she explained to me, she said, we gave you a medication that was meant to remove the memory from the trauma because your body went through a trauma.

[00:22:55] So having heard that it was like, okay, now there's an explanation. To why I don't remember, you know, this time. She goes, it may come back to you in pieces. It may never come back. But this is why. That was It's probably one of the hardest times for me, for my family, for, you know, our friends. It was, it was like a really, like, I remember when the doctor came in after I woke up, he told my husband, he said, if she had gone to bed and not come to the hospital, she would have died in her sleep.

[00:23:35] Rosie: Wow.

[00:23:40] How did that change things for you? Not on a, you know, a memory level or that sort of thing, but did it change your perspective at all at life and how you went through things? Like what was the consequence of that?

[00:23:53] Aeoliana: Absolutely. I'd have to say that it changed my perspective in the way that I don't have to, I don't feel like I have to be everything.

[00:24:05] I don't have to do everything. Um, some of it has actually come in the last few years, the realization, and this is like where I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I don't have to waste my time on things and on people that don't value me. Cut a lot of friendships off a lot of relationships off because I found that I'm the only one doing anything.

[00:24:37] Like I was the only one giving to the relationship. My husband and I were talking about this the other day. I was like, I am no longer subscribing to the let me do everything to please you. I don't want to do it. That's it. Like no is a complete sentence. I'm done catering to people. I'm done. That doesn't mean I don't care.

[00:25:02] It doesn't mean that if you need me, I'm not going to be there. But for right now, my circle is my husband, my son, and my family. Yeah. And if no one else is in that circle, and no one else wants to be a part of that, okay.

[00:25:18] Rosie: That's all right, yeah.

[00:25:20] Aeoliana: And that has been so freeing to not, people please, to not, Like, the freedom that has come with that realization that I don't have to put up with other people's BS and other people's issues, and not everybody has to like me, and not everybody has to be on board.

[00:25:42] Right. Has been like, Huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

[00:25:48] Rosie: Yeah, that really resonates for me. And something I've come to realize is it's not about them, it's about you. Because who is it serving to maintain this relationship that is just a, a suck on your life. I've, for years I've had, you know, I've, maintained relationships with people out of this sense of obligation.

[00:26:12] You know, there's a history there, or in my case, you know, I've, I lost both my parents and I have a lot of their friends in my life. And it's been a big journey to realize, well, Just because they were friends with my parents doesn't mean I have to maintain that relationship, right? And I found that really hard.

[00:26:33] But as you say there is there is this sense of freedom Yeah, actually, no, that's not serving me anymore and you just kind of you move through that it's it has been life changing for me and I think worth There is almost a sense of grieving, I find. I don't know if you can relate to that. There is, and nobody talks

[00:26:56] Aeoliana: about that.

[00:26:57] Rosie: No.

[00:26:58] Aeoliana: Like, nobody talks about that. Like, when you, for yourself, when you make that decision to pull away from a relationship you've had. Like, this past year, the three of us broke away from relationships we've had for seven years. You know, to break away from those relationships. You know, you do it slowly, but then you start to realize that once you stop communicating, no one's coming to communicate with you.

[00:27:28] So then you think to yourself, was I that important? Obviously I wasn't if they're not reaching out to me. And then it kind of gets easier to let go of the relationship because when it's not a two way street, it tends to be a little bit easier to kind of. Let it go.

[00:27:49] Rosie: Right. Mm. Yeah. It doesn't have to be a thing that happens overnight.

[00:27:56] As you say, yeah. Yeah. It does tend to be gradual, which makes it easier.

[00:28:00] Aeoliana: Yeah. And you're still gonna get triggered. I mean, I still. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I still get, it's only been a year that I've, you know, I've let go of these relationships and my son and my husband are farther along than I am, but for me, it's still kind of, If I see them or I hear them or, you know.

[00:28:18] Like I, I had to cut everyone out of Facebook, cut everyone out of Instagram, just completely cut all of those ties. My husband still has ties. My son has ties with all the kids, but for me, it was like, I had to have a clean break. I couldn't hold on to that and still say, okay, I'm, I'm okay with the way the relationship is now.

[00:28:45] I had to just completely cut ties. And it's not that way for everyone. I mean, is that how it worked for you? Or did you have something different with it? Yeah, I,

[00:28:58] Rosie: I find completely cut ties is, is the way I need to do it because otherwise there's this gray area and my boundaries get tested. And, you know, I know it's a weakness for me.

[00:29:09] I just want to please everybody. Yeah, I can help. I can do that for you. So for me, yeah, that clean break is, is the. Best way for me to move forward, and I'm sure it's different for other people. Um, and you know, I'm, I'm sure I've mucked up many times, but my intention is never to hurt these people, right?

[00:29:30] It's just to serve myself better. You know, I, a question I've asked myself a lot these days is. Who is this serving? Who is this decision serving by me catering to their every need and me just sort of being used? Or who is it serving for me to maintain a relationship that actually I'm not enjoying?

[00:29:49] Aeoliana: Right.

[00:29:51] And how much energy is it sucking out of you? Like how much, how much time is it taking away from the people And the relationships that you do want to foster, that you do want to grow. You know, spending all that time with those, you know, energy vampires, it doesn't allow any time for you to do anything else, but cater to them.

[00:30:14] And you know, you're not helping anyone. You're not helping yourself. You're not helping the people who truly love and care about you because you're spending all your time and energy on them. And by the time someone that really does care, or you, Need that energy, need that fuel. It's no longer there and you have nowhere to go to get it.

[00:30:37] And if you don't cut those relationships out, it affects. The real relationships you have because you don't have time For you know, those real relationships in your life anymore.

[00:30:51] Rosie: Mm hmm,

[00:30:52] Aeoliana: and those people are gonna end up I mean, they'll always be there and they love and care for you But when you don't have the time for the real relationships cause, you know, you're gonna those are gonna suffer

[00:31:05] Rosie: It's a high price to pay,

[00:31:08] Aeoliana: especially in hindsight, which is usually when you find those things out.

[00:31:12] So true. Okay. Let's, let's

[00:31:14] Rosie: keep, let's keep traveling, right? Doubt that you had another big life event, right? 2019 and 2020. And I feel like these were really pivotal. So walk us through it. Cause 2019 again was pretty full. Again. Yes.

[00:31:29] Aeoliana: Yes. Not as bad as 2017, but still. Yeah. Okay. So 2019 I was working for a law firm.

[00:31:35] I, um, Ended up getting two kidney infections about three months apart and put me in the hospital. The law firm that I worked for actually fired me while I was hospitalized. They weren't that bad. My son was a little bit older. He could still talk to me. I was like, no, I'm fine. I'm awake. You can come see me.

[00:31:54] It's fine. He loved it because he got ice cream every time he came. When I got out, I had to figure out what to do. And this was right before COVID. My brother was working for a construction company. My husband said, absolutely. No, you're not working for another law firm. That's what I'm doing now. And so I went to work with him, um, with my brother, uh, doing, you know, scheduling things like that for this construction company.

[00:32:22] Um, that was about a 30 minute trip. back and forth. Even with COVID, uh, construction was considered an essential worker, you know, type. So I was not able to work from home. So I still had to drive back and forth. So I jumped into podcasting. I jumped into listening to podcasts. Um, I'd always listened to them.

[00:32:46] True crime. I love true crime. But in 2019, I dove more into Learning. I dove into VA podcasts, how to do VA work. Mm-Hmm. , how to do podcasting, how to edit, how to be a podcast producer. Then in 2022, jumped into, okay, let's really do this. You know, let's really turn this into a business. Let's turn this into something we can do.

[00:33:12] And in 2023, I jumped into the consulting strategist part. Mm-Hmm. , and specifically podcast launch. I'm helping people launch their podcasts. And this year I've come up with a framework, um, where I focus not just on the tech and the editing and the producing side of it, but more the finding the balance, finding your authentic voice, empowering, you know, empowering the podcasters, looking through that communication, that collaboration, mastering that mindset.

[00:33:49] Um, I'm a firm believer that. You can have the best tech in the world, but those troll thoughts are going to keep coming up, whether you want to address them or not. And the less you address them, the stronger they're going to be. And if you don't address them, it's going to lead to burnout, to overwhelm, and you're going to quit doing something that I strongly believe if you Have a pull in your heart to do podcasting.

[00:34:19] It's because, you know, in your heart, you have a message that somebody out there, otherwise, you know, there's billions of people in the world. Not everybody is called to do, to have a podcast, but there's, you're the answer to someone's prayer. Someone out there needs to hear what you have to say, the way you have to say it.

[00:34:43] So, that's where we are now.

[00:34:47] Rosie: I want to dive more into this because I love it. I have not come across anyone else who focuses on that side of podcasting. You know, there's a lot of people out there like Pat Flynn who I love and talks about the, the logistical side of starting a podcast, like equipment and editing and da da da da da, which is useful.

[00:35:06] I found it overwhelming when I started, like, how on earth do I do this? But this aspect of finding your voice and sharing a message, Ah, it's a huge part of it for me. Like I have, I hear people talk about, Oh, I'm going to start a podcast because I, I want to earn money through it. Okay, great. I'd love to earn money through my podcast.

[00:35:27] I don't at the moment. Um, It's not the reason I'm doing it. And I don't think it's enough of a reason to carry you through. It's not,

[00:35:36] Aeoliana: it's really not, you have to have a deeper, stronger connection because just the money aspect of it, when you are tired, when you are burnt out, when you don't know what to say, or you don't think you know what to say.

[00:35:53] When you don't want to record or you don't want to edit, the simple thought of more money is not going to get you past that hurdle. It's just not. You need to have a purpose and a goal beyond Yourself, you have to have, and, and it's not that way for every podcaster.

[00:36:15] Rosie: I

[00:36:16] Aeoliana: mean, but in, I guess for me, the people I've worked with and the people I've spoken to, they have a calling of what they want to accomplish with their podcast

[00:36:30] Rosie: and money

[00:36:31] Aeoliana: is not.

[00:36:32] the end goal. Sure. Is it gonna be great? Is it a bonus? Absolutely. Are they gonna turn it down? No. But it's not the reason why they get up and record and put out episodes weekly.

[00:36:47] Rosie: It's

[00:36:48] Aeoliana: not why they feel called to do this. And there's so many people out there who have a message but really don't feel like they have a voice.

[00:37:03] What I hear a lot from people is this has already been said. Someone else has already said this much better than I have. And what I tell people is that the words, there's only a certain number of words in the language, in any given language. Pick your language. They're not creating new words. You know, I mean, I guess, I don't know, millennial kids are, but, um, I, I don't know, but the magic is not in the words.

[00:37:38] The magic is in who is delivering them and how they are received. Yes. So, I use this example a lot. You can take five people and have them all say good morning. It'll be five different ways. It's like when you're watching TV and you watch a lineup, like when you're watching a crime show and you watch a lineup and you have, you know, six or seven people and they have to read from a card, a statement.

[00:38:06] Everybody's reading the same statement, but they all sound different and it only resonates with the person, with the victim. If it's there, you know, if they're the person who assaulted them or whatever is the one who says it.

[00:38:24] Rosie: So

[00:38:24] Aeoliana: like for everyone, we have our own lens of how we view the world. Our lives are completely different.

[00:38:31] Our experiences are completely different. And the way we speak and the messages we share are infused with all those experiences. And no two people have the same experiences. Not even twins. You can have twins who grew up in the exact same household.

[00:38:47] Rosie: Mmm.

[00:38:48] Aeoliana: The exact same experiences, and they will feel, they will have a completely different lens on how their lives were.

[00:38:56] Rosie: Yeah.

[00:38:57] Aeoliana: So that's where the magic is. That's where the authenticity comes. That's where your power is. Is in realizing that you don't have to say anything different. You can say the same thing that these gurus say. all the time. But your people, the person or the people who are supposed to hear the message from you, will be the ones who gravitate towards it, will be the ones who will be affected by what you say.

[00:39:27] Rosie: That's so validating to hear. It made me think of sort of a real life example. So I have a sister. I'm always trying to help her, right? I need to stop because she doesn't want the help. But, you know, I'll say these things like, Oh, you should do this or I'll try to pass on wisdom and advice. And you know, it goes in one ear and out the other.

[00:39:49] And then she'll come to me months, years, sometimes later and go, Oh, she's had this big revelation. And in my head I'm going, I've been telling you that for how long? But she's just heard it from someone else and something about that made it click for her. I think that's a classic example of it because you're so right.

[00:40:08] It's not about the words that you're saying. I mean, it has a role to play, but it's so much more about who it's coming from, how they say it, what their experience or the lens they see the world through is, because it develops connection, right?

[00:40:26] Aeoliana: And sometimes too, you could give someone a message and they're not ready to receive it.

[00:40:31] Rosie: Mm.

[00:40:33] Aeoliana: They, like, people have to be ready to receive that message. And if they're not ready, like, I'm into human design.

[00:40:41] Rosie: Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

[00:40:42] Aeoliana: I'm a projector. And one of the things I've learned in the past couple of years by diving into my human design is that I may have the answer. I may have what people need to hear, but if they're not ready, it doesn't matter.

[00:40:59] My message isn't going to get to them. They're not going to listen because they're not ready to receive whatever insight I have. And so I've had to really step back and wait. for someone to ask me for my opinion or ask me for insight before I give it,

[00:41:21] Rosie: because if

[00:41:21] Aeoliana: you're not ready, like, there's nothing I can do.

[00:41:24] You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

[00:41:28] Rosie: Right. That's, that's really important. It's a big lesson I've learned. It's people. You know, like sharing your advice is sometimes it's unwanted, it's unwarranted, it's not helpful. And something that helped me understand this is, for example, I might be venting, I'm angry about something.

[00:41:51] I'll be, actually, this is a classic example. When mum was alive, I'd come to her and I'd vent as an angry teenager or whatever. And she'd try to problem solve it for me. It's coming from a place of love and care and it would just make me angrier and on reflection, it's like, I just wanted her to listen. I didn't, I wasn't ready for the advice.

[00:42:12] So now, you know, when a friend comes to me and they've got a problem or a frustration or whatever it is. I go, Hey, are you wanting someone to just listen right now? Or would you like some advice? And initially I felt really uncomfortable asking that because it felt so unnatural. Like it kind of, it jolts the conversation, you interrupt it.

[00:42:34] It's been a game changer because the person will tell me, Hey, I just want someone to listen right now. I'm like, right. I got you. You know, if that angry at someone, I'll be like, yeah, that bitch or whatever, you know, like I'm there for them and whatever it needs to be. And I think it's really improved my relationships and helped me, I guess, be there better for my friends.

[00:42:56] It's just, it's a better relationship informs better connections.

[00:43:00] Aeoliana: Yeah. I do that with my husband. And like, at first when I would want to vent. He'd always try to fix it. And I'm like, I don't need you to fix it. And sometimes we get into arguments. Cause he's like, you know, I don't know what to do. And I'm like, I don't have anybody else.

[00:43:14] Like, I don't have a sounding board anywhere else. I don't have any close girlfriends that I can, you know, like. Bounce things off of you are all I have so sometimes I just need to vent and I just need you to sit there. You don't even need to listen just every once in a while. Every few words go uh huh, uh huh, shake your head, pretend like you don't even need to listen to me.

[00:43:40] That's true. I just need to get it out.

[00:43:42] Rosie: Yeah.

[00:43:43] Aeoliana: I just, and now my son now when he sees that I'm kind of, you know, like he'll come to me and he'll be like, mommy, do you, do you need to talk?

[00:43:50] Rosie: And I'm like,

[00:43:51] Aeoliana: no, it's okay. I'll be fine. Mommy. It's okay. I'm here. You can talk.

[00:43:56] Rosie: What do you

[00:43:57] Aeoliana: need? You know, and we do the same thing with him.

[00:44:00] You know, we're like, what do you need? Like, like he's got a therapist that he talks to every once in a while. And we're like, do we need to call, you know, do we need to call the therapist? Do you, do you need time to talk? Do you need to talk to someone, you know, and he's got a few people around him that we tell him if you can't talk to us.

[00:44:22] He knows who he can go to. He knows who he can trust.

[00:44:26] Rosie: And

[00:44:27] Aeoliana: he'll, you know, he'll talk to, he's got a few teenagers that are older than him. He's got a couple of coaches. You know, so he knows who to go to depending on what the issue is. But, like the other day, he texted me and he goes, Mommy, when can I date?

[00:44:42] And I was like, 15? When you can drive and you can take yourself places? So what's the point of dating if you can't, you know, and, and I thanked him. I told him, I was like, thank you for, you know, trusting me to ask me that question. And so I think this goes back to communication. I think so many people forget how important communication is in whatever stage of life you are in whatever relationship you are, you know, I love that you said that when you first started asking people, what do you need?

[00:45:22] It felt a little bit uncomfortable. When I think about that, I think that should be a norm. It shouldn't feel uncomfortable for you to ask someone, what do you need? But when we grew up, Thinking about listening and about hearing other people nine times out of 10, we're not listening. We hear, but we're hearing to respond.

[00:45:49] Rosie: We're not listening.

[00:45:50] Aeoliana: We're not listening to really see what this person is telling us or what this per like, and so you asking, what do you need? Validates. the emotions and the feelings of the other person, and it shows them I'm really listening. I really want to know how can I help you? What, what do you need?

[00:46:13] Yeah, it's,

[00:46:14] Rosie: it does start off uncomfortable, but I, I love it. And when someone asks me that, I'm like, Oh, you're right. It does. It feels really validating. And Hey, you feel seen. Yes, you do feel seen. Absolutely. I want to jump back to this podcasting thing, because something. I'm so passionate about is finding your voice.

[00:46:37] So I'd love to hear your take. How does podcasting help people find their voice? What are your thoughts?

[00:46:45] Aeoliana: So I think when you start podcasting, and I think a lot of people, when they start, it's funny, there's a lot of introverts. Because it's a medium where I mean, now more people are getting into video, but it used to be just an audio format.

[00:47:05] Rosie: No

[00:47:05] Aeoliana: one saw you, it was just your voice. The more you talk into the podcast, the more comfortable you get with talking.

[00:47:15] Rosie: And

[00:47:15] Aeoliana: the more you are yourself, the more you are authentically you, and you speak from a place of, you know, from a heart. place from, you know, your experiences, your thoughts, the easier it gets.

[00:47:31] It's a medium where it's so intimate.

[00:47:35] Rosie: Yes. You know,

[00:47:36] Aeoliana: you are, someone is inviting you into their ears, into their mind, into, you know, they're listening to you by choice. They're choosing to do that. And so that communication becomes that much stronger because now they're choosing what they listen to, who they're listening to, and they're choosing you.

[00:48:03] I think. Nowadays, since COVID, I'd say, but people's, I call it, I'm going to curse, people's shit o meter is so high.

[00:48:15] Rosie: Yeah.

[00:48:16] Aeoliana: Like, people are no longer trying to hide behind the fake, the masks, the lie. People want truth. They want vulnerability. They want to see themselves. in other people. We want to see not just our shortcomings, but our successes, our obstacles, you know, our struggles, the fact that we are more alike than we are divided.

[00:48:53] And I think that's what podcasting brings in. Podcasting allows us to see that we are far more connected than we are separate. , there's far more in common that you have. with people all over the world, then we have differences. We have differences and our differences are beautiful.

[00:49:17] Rosie: Yeah.

[00:49:17] Aeoliana: But our, our human struggle, our struggles as human beings are the same, no matter where you're coming from.

[00:49:25] They just manifest in different ways. But the struggles are the same. And when podcasting allows you to bring up your struggles, to bring up how you overcame them, and it shows someone else who might be going through the same thing that you've already gone through, that now they did it, I can do it too.

[00:49:52] Rosie: Yeah. And as, as an introvert, I find it. I feel so connected with the hosts of the podcasts I listen to. I feel like I know them intimately. They have no idea who I am, but I feel so connected. And And that's not necessarily something I get in real life because I find it so hard to go out and talk to people and start conversations, which some people find bizarre because on a podcast I'm, I'm talking to people.

[00:50:24] Aeoliana: Yeah. It's different though. It's different. Like I'm an introverted extrovert, right? Like I always thought I was an extrovert and then I learned about it and I'm like, no, I don't get energy from. Being the center of attention and talking to a lot of people, that drains me, but you put me in a one on one real conversation, not shop talk, not, you know, surface conversations.

[00:50:50] You put me in a really good conversation and that fuels me, that fills me up.

[00:50:57] Rosie: Maybe I'm an introverted extrovert too. That sounds like me. Yeah, like

[00:51:00] Aeoliana: I love real conversations. I don't like small talk. I'm not a fan of small talk. You know, that's not for me. I love real, honest, vulnerable conversations.

[00:51:18] Something where we both come out of the conversation either better than we were going in. Or feeling better about ourselves or having a new point of view that we didn't think about before. Those are the type of conversations I enjoy.

[00:51:33] Rosie: Yeah. And

[00:51:34] Aeoliana: that's what I try to help my clients realize is that when you go into a conversation, you should always try to leave the other person feeling better.

[00:51:48] or having learned something new than when they came into the conversation.

[00:51:53] Rosie: Something I want to touch on, which I haven't seen anyone else talk about, and I, I'd like your take on this, is sometimes I find it really lonely as a podcaster because I don't have that relationship with my listeners. Yeah. So how, whereas as a listener of podcasts, I feel so connected.

[00:52:14] I don't feel lonely. As a host, I feel very connected with my guests, but my listeners, it's just this mystery. So what would your advice be around that?

[00:52:28] Aeoliana: So with that, I would say try doing some Q and A's like asking after an episode, have your audience ask you questions. You may not get traction right away, but you may get a question or two and then create episodes answering those questions and let the audience know, Hey, this question was brought in by this listener.

[00:52:53] If they give you permission to use their name or, you know, you can just say one of my listeners engage them. You know, have them give you what topic ideas that they want to hear. Involve them in the process. Your creation so that they feel like they're a part the show

[00:53:13] Rosie: because

[00:53:13] Aeoliana: you think they may not be Engaging with you, but they're listening every week So they're they're my a friend of mine calls it lurkers.

[00:53:23] They're lurking They're lurking. They're there. They're waiting for you to put something else out. I don't i'm terrible at this I don't engage with half the podcasts I listen to. Maybe one or two, but overall, I really don't, I don't send messages. I don't. Do likes I don't do it and it's not because I don't want to it's not because the podcast affected me Or it did not affect me.

[00:53:55] I just I I don't know why I've just never been very good at reviews and stuff But so don't think that people aren't Listening, they're listening. They're just not engaging

[00:54:09] Rosie: Yeah, that's very true. And I think podcasting is such a different medium or, or platform to say, for example, YouTube, where it's very normal to like and subscribe and comment.

[00:54:19] Aeoliana: Right. And to tell people that all the time.

[00:54:21] Rosie: Right. So I think that's something maybe I could bring up more in the episodes. And I've also noticed on Spotify, you can now comment on episodes. I did

[00:54:31] Aeoliana: see that. I did see that,

[00:54:33] Rosie: which is so cool. I'm like, Ooh, I like this because I had a random comment pop up. I went, Oh, someone listened to this.

[00:54:40] Like, of course I see the stats that people are listening, but to actually have that tangible feedback feels really good.

[00:54:50] Aeoliana: And just think you feel connected to other podcast hosts.

[00:54:56] Rosie: So

[00:54:56] Aeoliana: just imagine your listeners feel that way about you. So just reframe it.

[00:55:02] Rosie: Yeah, that's a powerful reframe. That's something I'm going to do to finish up this episode.

[00:55:10] This is something I like to ask all my guests, and you even mentioned this earlier in the episode. So I'd love to know, Aeolianna, what does freedom mean to you?

[00:55:23] Aeoliana: Oh my gosh, um, I would have to say freedom to me is just a weight lifted. having the ability to do life on my own terms, have relationships in my own terms, spend time with the people doing the things that I enjoy, and not having to carry other people's expectations of who I should be, what I should do, how I should act, and just being authentically, genuinely who I am.

[00:56:05] Rosie: I'm absorbing that. And you'd think that asking the same question on every episode would get boring. Honestly, the answers are all different. And I love it. Something that goes through my head. I'm like, would be really cool to do an episode where I collate my guests take up what freedom is because it's, it's fascinating to me.

[00:56:29] And, you know, even your reaction, when I asked the question, you're like, Ooh, because it's such a big question, right? Like, whoa, what is freedom to me? It's got to look different.

[00:56:41] Aeoliana: Yeah, it's funny that you said that because I have a friend of mine who has a podcast and her podcast is called happiness happens

[00:56:47] Rosie: And she's been doing it.

[00:56:48] Aeoliana: I think for four years now

[00:56:50] Rosie: And

[00:56:51] Aeoliana: she always asks people what does happiness mean to them? She said she's never gotten the same answer twice And she's been doing it for years. Yep. Amazing stuff. So it's, it's such a simple word. Freedom is such a simple word. But again, like we were talking before, depending on who you are, what your life experiences are, what your lens is of life, it can take on so many meanings.

[00:57:22] Yeah. So many meanings.

[00:57:23] Rosie: Yeah. Like, it's something I was really worried about when I started asking the question. I thought, oh, some of these answers might be boring. Like, what if they just say, oh, financial freedom? What if everybody says financial freedom? But I don't think any one of my guests has ever mentioned financial freedom, which I find like, oh, wow.

[00:57:49] It was unexpected to me. I don't know why, but I guess in media and society, money, getting the million dollar figure or whatever, it just is prioritized so much. But actually, when I talk to people, it's not at the forefront.

[00:58:06] Aeoliana: Yeah, no, because you can have the money and still be the most miserable person in the world.

[00:58:10] Rosie: Mm hmm.

[00:58:12] Aeoliana: You know, money just pays the bills, which is great. But you know, if you feel lonely, no amount of money is going to change that because even if you have a lot of money and a lot of these, you know, celebrities will tell you that, like you can have all the money in the world. You can be at the center of attention of parties and things like that and feel like the loneliest person in the room.

[00:58:37] Yeah. Money doesn't buy you true connection.

[00:58:42] Rosie: Mmm.

[00:58:43] Aeoliana: It buys surface connection, but it doesn't buy true connection. You can't buy that. There's no price to true connection, true communication, you know, true collaboration. There's no price tag for that. You can't pay for that.

[00:58:59] Rosie: That's

[00:59:00] Aeoliana: something that is built genuinely through being vulnerable, being authentic, you know, having those boundaries, sharing your truth.

[00:59:11] That's the only place where that genuine connection can come from.

[00:59:16] Rosie: Mm. Yeah. And I think money can open doors. You're right. It doesn't, it's not a required piece to form that connection. We all crave connection and belonging and money isn't required to do that and money isn't a sign of how successful you are as a person or how worthy you are or how capable you are.

[00:59:43] Aeoliana: I think actually it actually enhances those insecurities.

[00:59:47] Rosie: Oh yeah.

[00:59:49] Aeoliana: The more money, the more insecure you feel because you have to live up to a certain ideal. When you have the money and yeah, it might buy you into, you know, into bigger spaces and bigger audiences, but then you still feel unworthy to be there.

[01:00:09] Like, did I really earn being here? Did I, do I really belong here? These people aren't like me. Do I really belong in this space?

[01:00:17] Rosie: And so I

[01:00:18] Aeoliana: think the more money you have, the more it enhances our insecurities. I

[01:00:25] Rosie: The more money we have, the more it enhances our insecurities. I, yeah. Whew! That's a powerful one.

[01:00:35] Ugh. We'll come back to that another time. Yeah. That's, we're, yeah. Yeah. We'd be here far too long. Yeah. We'll come back to that. And on that truth bomb, I just want to say thank you so much, Aeoliana, for this amazing conversation and being so generous with your time.

[01:00:53] Aeoliana: Thank you, Rosie. This was a lot of fun. I appreciate you inviting me and letting me have, um, this space to talk with you today.

[01:01:02] Rosie: Of course. Thank you.