48: Dear Diary, I feel lost, lonely and scared

This is an off the cuff episode just feeling quite lost I think and alone lonely today is five years since my mum died and there's always such a build up to these death anniversaries, right? Today came around and I actually it didn't even occur to me. that it was Mum's death anniversary. And then I got a message from a dear friend who said, hey, thinking of you today. I just went fuck, and the guilt came. all the guilt. so much guilt and I thought, fuck that. It's why? It's not because I don't love my mum, it's not because I don't care. I was actually out having a really good time with my dog going for a walk and just living, trying to enjoy life. But, yeah, here I am. You can probably hear the traffic noises really annoying. I, um I don't like traffic noise. This sets me on edge. And one of the reasons I moved into the van was to get away from this, be in nature more. But anyway, here we are. I, um. I met a quiet little sight for the night, free camp. I've lit a fire, um. I decided to burn the beautiful wooden box handcrafted hand carved that mum's ashes were in. So I spread mum's ashes last year with my sister. I kept the box because it's gorgeous. I was just like I I just don't just want to throw it in the bin like what? So I mean I just felt like the right time and the right thing to do to burn it. It made a really nice fire really hot, just roaring flames, you know, and yeah, I felt a lot of anger coming up. A lot of sadness, betrayal. It's um you'd think you'd think it it'd get easier over time. I don't think it does. It changes. It's unpredictable. It's always painful, but this here I'm feeling a lot of anger and I'm also really coming to grips with the fact that I'm a very different person to my parents. Yeah, there's things in common. Yes, they raise me. I love them, but I am my own person that might sound really obvious, but it hasn't been to me. I don't have to follow in their footsteps. I don't have to make them proud. I don't have to do something because they think it's the right thing to do and I might do things that disappoint them I probably have. But there's nothing wrong with that. It's hard, you know? I was an adult. when I lost dad, but I was 21. I was still finding myself. And yeah, I was an adult when I lost mum. I was 27. But I feel like my adult relationship with Mum was really just beginning, you know, by 27, you really were a bit more sure of yourself and I don't know, it was different. And then gone. It fucking sucks. But then I think of the alternative and if they were still alive, I'd be seeing them grow old, which is beautiful, but also really scary. Aging terrifies me because of the pain that comes with it not because I don't want to be old, although maybe I don't, but not for vain reasons. It's out of fear. Growing old does not seem pleasant. Losing your memory, being in constant pain, declining health, losing your sense of autonomy, government into an aged care home where they dehumanize you like they did to my mum and you can see where my mind goes down that dark bath, right? I'm sitting here by the campfire talking into my phone, crying because I'm scared of getting old. or even just invisaging what it would have been like if mum and dad grew old. I don't know if I could have dealt with that pain. I don't know. but it would be nice to have to be here. You know, am I hug with my dad telling I love him. I'm sorry for being such a moody, you fucking teenager. I was so tough on him. I we were so similar and clashed, but I loved him fiercely. So so much. And my mum I just have a cut on with my mum. I to talk on the phone. to introduce them to my cheeky dog. I think that definitely have some thoughts about how much I Molly got on my dog. I don't my dog, my life, right? Life is tough, man, and I'm feeling really lost. You know, I did the brave thing. I maybe it into my van and it's been good, but it's also been not at all what I envisaged and I'm lonely and don't know what I'm doing with my life. or really what the point to all of this is. And then I think, oh, well, I haven't got much longer left to live anyway. As if that's the truth. As if it's a fact, my dad died at 53. It's 20 years away. My mum died at 60, 27 years away. It's gonna go so quick. And then I think, you know, when I die, I've I've got who do I leave my possessions or whatever to?, it's okay, too. Someone's pulled up. Thank you, darling, it's safe. Thanky, da da. I just called youada. What is going on? Thank you, sweetheart. Good deal. Yeah, I've got my sister, but I don't know. It's a complicated relationship, right? We're still learning how to be sisters, I suppose, as a 10-year age gap and trauma is affected each of us in different ways. you know, I don't know how my sister feels about me, but I don't want to feel the burden of me dying and dealing with all that shit. It sucks. You know, you're losing a loved one, but also just the admin shit that comes along with it. Gran a probate and funeral and bloody bloody bloody blah. I just realized how much I'm sniffling. that probably sounds delightful. I'm sorry. about this is important for me, I think, and I'm figuring stuff out right and it makes me question the value I have to offer too because I said about wanting to start a business and and help people discover their true selves and and dare to dream and build a life that they deserve, that they crave, they want they need even but here I am and I still am fucking figured it out. But then I remind myself I don't think we've ever we ever really figure it out. Not really. but it's been over a year now since I left my job and yeah, I've burnt money through the business, but um not at the scale I I kind of envisaged and this yes, I've tried, but I've also haven't tried consistently. um and I've been in a real right lately. because my my self worth, my self confidence is just down the toilet. And I I know I need to push through that I want to give this a crack. But it's just so tempting to walk away to turn my back to return to what I'm used to. I even found myself looking um at jobs online. Can you believe that? It's the last thing I want to do but I was like oh well, do something where I don't have to take work home. Don't stress, nothing too challenging. Like what stuff that But that's where I'm at. That's that's where my heads are. So, yeah, that's that's me at the moment. grieving. a lot of different things, really. A lot of different things, and you know, today's mum's death anniversary, but it was dad's um just over two weeks ago on the 13th. Well, technically the 15th, but 13th is really when it happened, and I didn't do anything this year, and I some years, I guess I don't, but I know, I'm a I'm avoiding stuff. and I just I feel the need to ground myself again. Today was really cool. I went for a little hike or a walk, like six kilometres or something. It was just really nice. I love being in nature. It it's healing. And I just feel so connected to things, but I'm still so close to traffic. Fuck me. and I really want to get out of it and go somewhere more regional or remote, but my band's really giving me trouble. Um. I thought I got it fixed, been about $2 half thousand and got another problem. sort of got it fixed. Got another problem so hopefully taking it to the mechanic this week or next and I just, you know, it just I don't know. It feels too much. I was planning to drive to Darwin for to be there for mum and dad's birthdays. Mum's from Darwin. Mum and dad met in Darwin. They lived there. I can't remember how many years, but a lot of years. and I just I've never actually been to Darwin. I have such fond memories of there, so I I thought it'd be quite symbolic and nice to to visit there. um Yeah. Mum's birthday's on the 13th of October. Dad's on the 15th, so that leaves less than two weeks together there, but if the van can't get fixed, stat, then, might not happen, which just feels crab. But I think it's easy to get into this all or nothing, thinking be all and all and blah, blah, blah, like, yes, it would be beautiful to be there. for their actual birthdays, but it's just a date. And I can celebrate them whenever I like, however I like, wherever I like. But I really hope I can get there. I really, really do, and I just I feel I'm liking a bit of stability. Maybe that's what it is, or balance, balances the word. I'm lacking balance. I feel very out of balance right now. And I feel in limbo. So yeah, that's me. I wasn't planning on uploading this episode today, but here we are. I I didn't edit the episode or didn't finish editing the episode that was um scheduled for today, so. yeah, you get this one instead. No editing, just me, sniffling and whatever. I guess it's like a diary. And I was thinking the other day the podcast is kind of like I don't know. Chronicle of my life, kind of. I know there's other people's stories in there and I'm interviewing others, but I think my experiences and thoughts and values are weaved into every episode. So kind of a cool thought. And this one, I guess, is pretty personal for whoever might be listening. Death is hard, life is hard, but you know I'm grateful that I can feel I don't really like the feeling, but I'm lucky in so many ways and I'm I'm very grateful for the love my parents gave me the legacy they have left me. The memories. I fucking hate that they died. It doesn't feel fair, but whoever it is not gonna be fair for anyone, right? Why am I making it about me? We live and we die and death scares me, but there we are. It's it's it's there and it's real and it's shit. But life could be good. It could be shit, but it can also be really good. There's beauty. Hopefully you can hear me over the sound of the traffic. It's like on a it's near a main road. It Would have been nice if you could just hear the fire crackling. I don't know if you can hear it at all. Probably not. I can't get too close because it's really hot. I feel like I'm burning. Something therapeutic about fire. There really, really is. I'm glad I kind of force myself to get out of the van and just be and feel. It's important to do. If you've made it this far, I appreciate you. Did you know you can actually leave comments on Spotify? I had no idea. I think it's a recent thing. I got a notification going hey, so-so commented on your episode and I'm like what that's so cool. So if you're not on Spotify, jump onto Spotify, find the episode and leave me a comment. And if you're already in Spotify, scroll down, leave me a comment. It can be kind of lonely as a podcaster because half the time we don't know who's listening or most of the time really we don't know who's listening or or how the episodes are received. So it kind of it's a bit of motivation when I hear from people and what they got from the episode. So, yeah, drop a comment. Go through the archives. I'm almost at 50 episodes. How calls that? Holy shit. Pretty damn cool. All right, take care of yourselves, hey? I love you. I'm proud of you. And just know you are so, so capable. You truly are. I'll catch you next week.

And how do I pause this there we go.