35. Thoughts on Self Sabotage

00:00:02:16 - 00:00:24:10

Rosie

Get AI and welcome to the Pursuit of Freedom podcast. I'm your host, Rosie Burrows, and I'm on a journey to find my freedom so that I can help you do exactly the same. Join me each week as I share the stories of everyday people have found their own paths to freedom. I'm not going to focus on job titles and accolades because I don't care about that stuff, and neither should you.

00:00:24:12 - 00:00:40:18

Rosie

I want to uncover what truly makes you tick. Who are you? When you step away from society's expectations and follow your heart. I still haven't figured it out yet either way. Buckle up, because it's going to be one hell of a ride.

00:00:40:20 - 00:01:10:07

Rosie

This is a spur of the moment recording. I'm currently reading a book that a dear friend of mine wrote about her experience as a soldier and a mother when she was deployed to Afghanistan for eight months, and it's really raw, authentic recount of of what she went through there. And I'm reading it on my iPad. I've been thoroughly enjoying it.

00:01:10:08 - 00:01:44:23

Rosie

It's actually a book that I'm finding I have to read slowly, because it is so emotionally intense and triggering to me that pushing through is just not great for me, and I don't enjoy it. And then mentally I just don't cope. Well, I'm sitting here in the sun, still on my lap, listening to the birds and reading the book on my iPad, and I keep flicking through screens from the book to, you know, messages that are popping up.

00:01:45:00 - 00:02:05:22

Rosie

And I'm at about page 80, and every time I flick out of the screen and come back, it takes me back to page 54. This has happened about ten times now, and I messaged my friend and went, what the fuck is the universe trying to tell me here? Like, this is more than a coincidence. It's just going back to this page.

00:02:05:22 - 00:02:39:04

Rosie

I don't understand why it's doing that. Makes no sense to me. What the fuck is going on? And she said, what's what's on that page? And I sent her screenshot and infuriatingly she says, interesting. What do you think the lesson is here? Always asking me those poignant questions right? And this particular page is about when my friends. Was really feeling a lot of anger.

00:02:39:07 - 00:02:50:02

Rosie

There was some noisy people around her and she was just getting furious, wanting to shout at them, shut the fuck up, you know?

00:02:50:04 - 00:03:21:02

Rosie

But the lesson was that you need to listen to your body. And if you let thing after things stack up, it's going to take a toll. You are going to have anger and resentment build up in you, and it is going to come out in misdirected ways. For example, getting furious at people who are talking too loud, right?

00:03:21:03 - 00:03:30:10

Rosie

That reaction is out of proportion with with what's going on. I think.

00:03:30:12 - 00:03:55:01

Rosie

What? So what really stands out for me on this page is it's like looking at my reflection. This happens to me all the time. And, you know, it could be I'm driving in, someone's really pissing me off. And I just get I get furious. It's always the sun rises. What the fuck is going on? Just because someone's driving slow or they didn't put the indicator on or whatever.

00:03:55:03 - 00:03:58:24

Rosie

I really.

00:03:59:01 - 00:04:21:17

Rosie

And when this happens to me, it's usually at times in my life where. I think the term we often use the word is soldiering on. You just do what you got to do. Just push through. She'll be right. And I keep going. And I think there's times in our lives where we have to do that for our survival, quite literally.

00:04:21:19 - 00:04:52:21

Rosie

But I'd like to think those those occasions are rare. And so why do we do that? Because when we do, we have all this misguided or misdirected anger and. You know, for someone like me or my friend and and sharing her experience in the book, it can lead to things like panic attack, a mental breakdown, self-harm, some suicidal thoughts.

00:04:52:23 - 00:05:31:24

Rosie

We know ourselves well and we we get stuck in these patterns. We revert to these habits, these behaviors, because it's what we're familiar with. But they don't serve us. It is such a prime example of self-sabotaging behavior. We are all guilty of this, and I don't think anyone deliberately self-sabotage is. We don't. We've got this innate desire to survive, even those of us who are in the depths of depths of depression.

00:05:32:01 - 00:05:38:08

Rosie

You know, we are wired to survive.

00:05:38:10 - 00:06:08:11

Rosie

So why do we self-sabotage? It's because we default to the norm, right? It's how in the past we got through pushing through somewhere in our lives. Help protect us. But what we haven't caught up with in our bodies, and the different parts that we have within us, is that we don't need that protecting anymore. And in fact, this survival behavior is not serving us anymore, in fact, is putting at risk our survival, our happiness, our joy.

00:06:08:13 - 00:06:26:17

Rosie

So I think there really was a powerful lesson to learn from this page that kept fucking popping up on my screen and driving me nuts, because I'd have to go, oh shit, what page was I on? Infuriating that it really made me reflect on that. And I'm glad my friend said to me, what do you think the lesson is here?

00:06:26:19 - 00:06:58:07

Rosie

Because maybe just stop. I think getting pissed off, it kept going back to this page. It's like, all right, what can I learn from this? It's a lot to learn, and I'm sure many of you can relate to having that. The feelings of anger build up and it manifesting in really destructive ways. It happens to everyone and we allow this to happen to ourselves.

00:06:58:07 - 00:07:35:22

Rosie

When we cut ourselves off from acknowledging the struggles we are having, the rest we need. The support we need. We're all guilty of this, you know? And recently I, got ahead of myself, actually, because I reached out for support. When in the past I wouldn't have. So I was having a bit of a tough time and was triggered by something, you know, and my way of coping was to go to sleep for like, five hours.

00:07:35:22 - 00:07:54:12

Rosie

And the only reason I got up was because my dog started incessantly licking my face, which is not a typical behavior for him. I knew something was wrong. Slap mum, get up, get up, get up. And it was just so annoying that I got up and and took her outside.

00:07:54:14 - 00:08:21:01

Rosie

And you know, I thought, I'll just walk with her. She probably needs the toilet. You know, I forced myself to keep walking, and I was just. I was barefoot, walking on the grass, feeling the sunshine on my skin, the breeze, hearing the birds. I just started to ground myself and I walked back to my van and I just wanted to lie down, go back to sleep.

00:08:21:03 - 00:08:44:11

Rosie

And I went, hang on a minute, is that really serving me right now? Is that helping? This is going to trigger who knows how long of, you know, holing myself up in the van, disconnecting from the world and not being in a great place. So I texted a friend and said, hey, I just come over for shower and some company.

00:08:44:13 - 00:09:21:04

Rosie

You know, I triggered myself accidentally earlier today. And she just messaged back. Of course I drove there and just having someone nearby that I felt safe with, it made all the difference. Not just my body. The tension started leaving my body. It didn't get rid of the pain and the hurt. I felt, but it lessened the burden. It made me feel less alone.

00:09:21:06 - 00:09:50:05

Rosie

I was quite literally less alone. Sitting next to a friend, watching the sunset, eating dinner. And I did talk with her about what triggered me, I added. But even if I didn't, it would have helped just being in someone's company very much helps. There's a horse walking past in the distance and my dog is very interested, so if you hear some noise, that's what it is.

00:09:50:07 - 00:10:16:08

Rosie

And I'll, I'll unpack what triggered me. Actually. I and this is how easy it happens. And also as an example I think of self-sabotaging behavior is I got a notification on my laptop saying, oh, you storage is low. And I was like, oh. So I started going through files and, you know, cleaning up a bit. And I came across these files that weren't named, you know, they're just gibberish, a bunch of numbers.

00:10:16:08 - 00:10:53:08

Rosie

And now Voice Recordings is going through them. And a lot of them were recordings of family, friends playing music, like, as great as gone through them. Then I got to one recording from 2019, and it was the recording of the doctor telling me my mum and my sister that mum had terminal brain cancer. I remember recording this at the time in case I needed to listen back, because when you were in a confronting moment like that, you can it can be difficult to take in information.

00:10:53:10 - 00:11:30:05

Rosie

Well, I decided for whatever reason, to listen to that recording. Ten minutes. Just reliving that moment, feeling the pain. And then I didn't even have time to process it because I had to jump into a zoom call. And then afterwards, I just slept for hours and, you know, I chose to put myself through that. I know, I knew it would have been painful to listen to this recording, but I did it anyway.

00:11:30:07 - 00:11:42:10

Rosie

I do wonder why I did it. I think part of it is I don't want to forget that stuff. It forms a core part of who I am.

00:11:42:12 - 00:12:08:11

Rosie

And it's interesting to go back to a painful moment when time has passed, because you interpret it differently. But what I didn't do is give my time, myself, time to process that or wait until I was in a better frame of mind to listen to it. And my coping mechanism, which I'm realizing is something I lean very heavily on, is to sleep.

00:12:08:13 - 00:12:39:22

Rosie

But guess what? I don't feel better afterwards. It's not really a very good coping mechanism. I feel just as bad when I wake up as I did before I went to sleep. What made it different this time is I went outside. I forced myself to go outside. I felt just a smidge better and then, rather than caving in again and sleeping on, you know, more, I don't want to allow myself to go to that dark place.

00:12:39:24 - 00:13:11:03

Rosie

I need a friend right now. So I messaged a friend and I did the thing. And you know what? I felt so much better. I felt less alone. I felt connected, and it gave me space to process why I got so triggered. Why I listen to it is really healing. But back to the beginning of this episode. Don't forget that when you let little things stuck, it turns into a really big ugly thing.

00:13:11:05 - 00:13:35:15

Rosie

And often it's anger that gets misdirected to others, very often to people that we love and care for deeply. So it can cause a lot of hurt for them and for you. And it's self-sabotaging behavior. But what you need to remember is once upon a time this behavior would have served you. It would have protected you. Perhaps from childhood.

00:13:35:17 - 00:14:22:07

Rosie

But what our body hasn't caught up with is that behavior, that coping mechanism. Is no longer protecting us. In fact, it is working against us. So we need to be aware of that. Okay. Breathe. You know, what does support look like for me right now? Maybe for you it's journaling. Maybe being around someone going for a walk, switching off for a bit, watching a movie or reading a book, whatever it is, I think tuning into that is really important because if we just blindly fall into our old habits, our old patterns very often doesn't serve us and we don't grow as people.

00:14:22:09 - 00:14:46:11

Rosie

It could lead to really awful outcomes that hurt not only you, but the people you love and others around you. So that's my lesson for today. I wanted to share that and this book that my friend written isn't published yet, but when it is, I will be 100% sharing that link with you is a fabulous read. I haven't even finished the book yet.

00:14:46:13 - 00:15:28:21

Rosie

It's amazing she has this ability to. Write how she speaks. So as I read the book, it's as if I'm having a conversation with her. It's very personal, very connected. That's a skill I don't have in my writing. I take on a different persona, so I am in awe of her ability and how vulnerable she's chosen to be in writing this book, sharing such a difficult and challenging time in her life.

00:15:28:23 - 00:15:58:17

Rosie

That's all from me though. My life. Thoughts. This was unscripted. My friend literally messaged me going you need to record an episode right now. And I have and I hope you got value from this. Reflect. What are those sneaky ways you were self-sabotaging? And is it, you know, it recognizes not serving you anymore? You know, just let that part of you know that thinks it's protecting you.

00:15:58:17 - 00:16:10:14

Rosie

Hey. It's okay. I'm safe now. You helped me when I needed it. But now that's helping me anymore.

00:16:10:16 - 00:16:26:05

Rosie

Have that conversation. Let's grow as people. Let's help make our lives better. I love you, you're worth it. And you are so, so capable. Chat to you next week.

00:16:26:07 - 00:16:46:17

Rosie

If this episode resonated with you at all, could I please ask that you share it with a friend who you think could get value from it? And whilst you're doing that, make sure you follow and subscribe to the podcast so that you never miss another episode. And whilst you're following of subscribing, please leave us a rating, preferably five stars and also a written review.

00:16:46:17 - 00:17:07:19

Rosie

Doing each of these things is going to help this podcast reach more people and impact more lives, which is at the end of the day, is what we're here to do. Thank you so much, I appreciate you. Remember, you matter. You're worth it and you are so, so capable. Take care of yourself and I'll see you next week.