30: Your family can be your everything without being your ONLY thing

[00:00:00] It's a hot and steamy day here in Corroa. I am melting it's 34 degrees, I think that's 93 Fahrenheit for those of you who don't use Celsius

[00:00:10] As a breeze but it's a hot breeze so I can't decide if it's got a bad

[00:00:16] And I've been editing this episode in this heat

[00:00:19] So if it's not great I apologize but my brain is struggling to concentrate anyway

[00:00:28] Joining me today is Mariah Hoffland. She's a recovering stay at home mom who got sick of doing motherhood the right way and made the brave decision to do motherhood

[00:00:39] real and to use Mariah's words she added herself to her to do list and in 2021 started a coaching business

[00:00:48] To help burnt out moms find themselves

[00:00:51] Mariah think you so much for joining me today. Thank you for having me

[00:00:56] I feel like

[00:00:58] This is good. I feel like this is gonna change lives and that's the goal

[00:01:03] Yeah, right. I totally agree so any moms out there

[00:01:07] Get your notebook out take notes

[00:01:10] Don't learn or not

[00:01:11] And even for people like me who aren't moms

[00:01:14] There's a lot to learn so I'm so excited to dive into this and

[00:01:19] What I want to stop with is

[00:01:22] This whole concept of doing motherhood right

[00:01:26] Yeah, so

[00:01:29] There is a lot of pressure available in society

[00:01:35] More parents for parents, right?

[00:01:37] I don't want to just say mothers because it is it is parents in general the default

[00:01:42] seems to be the mothers

[00:01:45] You know, it's like it's like that role right everything sort of falls on the mother

[00:01:50] Whether you have a supportive partner a helpful partner a network who helps

[00:01:56] It's still

[00:01:57] seems to fall on the mother in terms of you know the pressure to do it the right way and

[00:02:05] One of the things that really bothered me

[00:02:09] I had my first child when I was

[00:02:13] 27 it was

[00:02:14] 2015 and I mean I was a new mom. I didn't know what I was doing and

[00:02:21] I had a baby with four of my my girlfriends

[00:02:25] We all started families the same year and

[00:02:28] None of us had the same pregnancy and none of us had the same marriage and none of us had the same newborn, you know

[00:02:35] And it was like all this advice on social media and from your mom and your mother-in-law and

[00:02:43] Just like this pressure to

[00:02:45] To do it the right way, but

[00:02:48] None of us knew what we were doing and we were all sort of bouncing ideas off of each other and trying to determine what the right way is and

[00:02:56] It wasn't helpful

[00:02:58] It actually

[00:03:00] It was bad this idea that if you're not breastfeeding then you're ruining your child or

[00:03:07] If you are not staying home with your child

[00:03:09] So if you don't give up your career and stay home with your child

[00:03:13] You're a monster if you send your kids to daycare. I mean the whole I think like the

[00:03:20] The natural chemicals and and the organics and all of the the safe

[00:03:27] Ingredients that sort of was circulating around the same time

[00:03:31] So then it was will are you using the right laundry detergent? Are you using the right bath soap?

[00:03:37] Are your you know swaddled blankets made out of the right cotton? It was a lot

[00:03:43] And it wasn't just

[00:03:47] The logistics of

[00:03:49] You know what bottles are you using what blankets are you using are you letting your baby sleep with you?

[00:03:54] Are you letting it sleep in the crib? It was also

[00:03:57] like this personal

[00:04:00] Transformation that you go through when you grow a child with your body and then produce that child and then you are literally responsible for keeping it alive

[00:04:11] It's too much the mental part of it is too much the physical part of it is too much the social part of it is too much

[00:04:18] Nobody talked about that and what I

[00:04:22] Experience as a new mom was a lot of loneliness and

[00:04:28] I'm here to change that I want to have those difficult conversations

[00:04:34] I want to offer validation to the mothers who feel like they are failing every single day

[00:04:41] Because they're not doing it the right way

[00:04:43] I want to tell those moms listen if they're if what you're doing is the right way for your family

[00:04:49] Then you're doing it the right way and it doesn't matter what your neighbors are doing and it doesn't matter

[00:04:54] What your mother and loss says that's sort of you know where I was at when I became a mom and

[00:05:01] It was a lot to it was a lot to

[00:05:05] experience

[00:05:07] It was a lot yeah, I mean I mentioned that felt totally overwhelming

[00:05:13] Yeah, overwhelming is a word

[00:05:15] You know

[00:05:16] one of the

[00:05:19] one of the like cliche pieces of advice that people say to

[00:05:24] Expecting parents or new mothers is you know

[00:05:29] Cherish every moment or enjoy every minute because it goes by so fast and I promise you every single time somebody would say that to me

[00:05:38] I would like I would feel

[00:05:41] don't terrible because it's like enjoy every minute like

[00:05:46] My days are the longest days of my life and also I can't remember anything I'm doing because it's such a blurred

[00:05:52] You're just like on autopilot and

[00:05:55] I don't enjoy being awake all night long and I don't enjoy that my child is

[00:06:00] Callic and I don't know what's wrong and I don't enjoy tantrums and I don't enjoy diaper changes like there's the list of things

[00:06:09] That are unenjoyable in motherhood is long and

[00:06:13] Nobody talks about that

[00:06:16] It's just it's just posting all the beautiful pictures on Instagram and going to the zoo and baking cookies and like I do those things right

[00:06:26] I share the good stuff

[00:06:28] but

[00:06:29] What I realized along the way I now have three children and we're

[00:06:33] Growing our family

[00:06:35] For a force and what I have realized along the way is like

[00:06:39] You got to share the good and the bad because

[00:06:43] It does something inside of you when you open up that

[00:06:49] Because that's when people

[00:06:52] It resonates with people and then they send you those private messages or they comment and they say hey

[00:06:58] Thanks for sharing that. I felt that way too and I thought I was the only one

[00:07:03] Mmm, and that's and getting so many of those messages is kind of like holy crap like I'm not the only one

[00:07:11] I thought it would be only one

[00:07:13] You know, and then you just and then this just like it just it honestly is just sort of snowballed because I've always just been a very honest and very

[00:07:23] Authentic about my presence on social media and especially about like motherhood because I am a state home mom

[00:07:29] So that version of motherhood is different than the working mother or even just like I have a partner

[00:07:37] That's different than those people who are doing it as a single parent. So the term motherhood has a lot of

[00:07:46] A lot of categories

[00:07:48] and

[00:07:50] I'm just here to try to

[00:07:53] Let everyone off the hook a little bit so that you know we can find joy because there is joy in motherhood

[00:08:00] And it gets lost in all of the pressure and the guilt

[00:08:05] So how did you move through all that pressure and guilt gosh, you know I didn't

[00:08:12] It's not like I woke up one day and I was like you know what?

[00:08:15] I don't feel guilty anymore or I'm a perfect mother and you know like it was gradual

[00:08:21] It was like okay that first year's motherhood. I'm a new mom

[00:08:24] I don't know what I'm doing but I I knew that I wasn't the only one who didn't know what I was doing and so

[00:08:32] There became like a certain aspect of like humor in that right like fake it to you make it as new mom

[00:08:39] Right and so that that helped alleviate a little bit what I will say is that the theme through my first I would say

[00:08:48] gosh

[00:08:50] Through my first two children so you know from

[00:08:53] 2000 and that 15 through 2000 and then I would say 19

[00:08:56] I wasn't happy

[00:08:59] I wasn't present

[00:09:01] I was just in like go mode and

[00:09:06] I didn't know I wasn't happy

[00:09:08] I didn't know I wasn't present. I didn't know that I was a robot

[00:09:12] I was just doing the next right thing, you know and

[00:09:19] The pandemic happens suddenly everything's different

[00:09:24] Graduals

[00:09:26] Who we can see who we can't see leaving the house school

[00:09:30] I also became pregnant with our third during the pandemic

[00:09:36] It was a lot it was um, it was a lot of

[00:09:40] change

[00:09:41] all at the same time and

[00:09:45] I was really low during that third pregnancy and I had a lot of

[00:09:50] Um, anger I was really angry because I'm like you know

[00:09:57] Why is this happening like why haven't we been through enough as like mothers and how like all of our kids are home

[00:10:04] when we're trying to teach them well, we're also trying to keep the house together

[00:10:09] I'm trying to grow a child like there was a lot of

[00:10:13] There was a lot of pressure and

[00:10:15] There wasn't the option for a baby sitter. I couldn't bring anybody into my house and my husband

[00:10:21] Who's a wonderful partner and father?

[00:10:25] He works in beer and what was essential during the pandemic?

[00:10:31] alcohol, unfortunately was so he didn't

[00:10:35] He wasn't working from home. He wasn't he had more hours. He was working more and then you know

[00:10:41] It was a pandemic or it was a excuse me. It was an election year

[00:10:45] here in the United States and

[00:10:48] that was

[00:10:50] Hard the social issues the all of the things that were sort of tied into the 2020 election

[00:10:57] hit me pretty personally as a woman and as a mother and

[00:11:03] That was it was just it was like every single thing and all the feelings that I had and all the thoughts that I had sort of keep to a head

[00:11:10] in 2020 and after I had my third baby

[00:11:14] In December of 2020 I

[00:11:18] Something just kind of shifted and I was like you know what?

[00:11:22] I want to feel like this

[00:11:24] This isn't how I want to feel in my life

[00:11:28] That was a really crucial time for me because

[00:11:34] I realized I was unhappy

[00:11:37] I

[00:11:38] considered

[00:11:40] My life and what was making me unhappy and then I had to move

[00:11:44] Into guilt mode because oh Mariah your life is so hard you have a beautiful family of a husband who's supportive

[00:11:52] COVID didn't ruin you guys physically or financially

[00:11:56] There was a lot of there is a lot of really good things in my life

[00:12:00] But I didn't feel good inside

[00:12:05] So I made the decision to get to work and figure out

[00:12:11] What is that?

[00:12:13] Why do you feel like this? Where is that coming from? What does it mean?

[00:12:17] How does it? Does it have to feel like this? I didn't accept that. I didn't accept that I had to feel that way

[00:12:25] Was that really challenging

[00:12:28] for you to actually start unpacking that

[00:12:32] It was it was it was really challenging because

[00:12:36] It was taking on something else right in a time where like my list is already full

[00:12:41] It was taking on something else. It was a lot to explain

[00:12:46] To my husband at the time to tell him I'm unhappy with our life

[00:12:52] not not not not the

[00:12:55] Not our life but like my role in our life and and he right away is like well

[00:13:00] Like get a job like we can do day carry you can get out of the house

[00:13:05] You don't have to do this you've never had to do this and

[00:13:07] It was like that wasn't the answer either and it's like it's not that I don't want to be home with our children

[00:13:15] I just don't want to only be home with our children

[00:13:19] I don't want to only be a mother

[00:13:21] I want to find me again

[00:13:25] And that is sort of where

[00:13:29] More than mama my coaching business came from because I want every mother out there to know that

[00:13:36] Yes, being a mother is wonderful and magical and meaningful but you are more than a mama

[00:13:44] It can be you know your your family can be your everything without being your only thing

[00:13:51] And that's what I sort of realized and I started like you said in the beginning

[00:13:56] I started putting myself on my list of people to take care of on my to-do list

[00:14:02] Because it wasn't I wasn't I was not thriving and

[00:14:08] I think every mother and parent knows that if one of the parents or the mother is not

[00:14:15] thriving like the train's gonna go off the tracks at some point

[00:14:19] Right

[00:14:20] It's all gonna break down

[00:14:22] Yeah, and so how did you make that transition

[00:14:27] From I guess

[00:14:31] Kind of falling into motherhood and or getting lost in motherhood almost how did you make that transition from there

[00:14:38] To establishing a coaching business?

[00:14:42] Yeah, yeah, that's a good question

[00:14:44] I mean it wasn't overnight

[00:14:46] It wasn't like oh, this is what I'm gonna do if they're out of my life. Yeah, it was like as soon as I realized that

[00:14:52] Well first of all as soon as I realized that the feelings that I was having and some of the symptoms that I work was

[00:14:57] Experiencing I realized that it was my depression. It was my anxiety

[00:15:02] It wasn't me, you know like some of that stuff is chemical some of that stuff is not

[00:15:07] Depression has never somebody's fault anxiety has never somebody's fault and you can get into

[00:15:16] Habits and cycles and seasons where you just live through it because

[00:15:23] There doesn't seem to be another option and

[00:15:28] Things were in America we're starting to open back up a little bit at the time and so I was able to

[00:15:35] You know, I called

[00:15:37] The therapist that I was seeing virtually through the pandemic

[00:15:41] She and I never really connected and I didn't feel real good about it and so I only had one or two sessions with her initially

[00:15:46] And I actually ended care with her and then I took a big deep dive into

[00:15:52] Like the bios of like the other options for me and I ended up choosing a woman

[00:16:00] And we had a phone conversation and we sort of aligned and I was like, you know what?

[00:16:04] I think this is gonna be good. I think I'd really like to work with you

[00:16:07] And that was in

[00:16:09] 2021 and I actually

[00:16:11] Just had my last session with her this week because she's like you have graduated

[00:16:17] Like you are not the same person that you were when you walked in here like you're complete like you've evolved

[00:16:22] And so the first thing that I did during that transformational period when I realized I didn't want to feel like this anymore was

[00:16:29] I took therapy really seriously

[00:16:33] I made sure that I had a therapist that I aligned with

[00:16:36] I was very honest about why I was there and I

[00:16:40] I stayed the course and I did the work and

[00:16:45] Why I think that people

[00:16:48] I think what keeps people

[00:16:51] Doc or

[00:16:53] Proveds them from growing personally

[00:16:57] Is the ability to be honest with themselves

[00:17:01] Right

[00:17:02] It's a very difficult thing to do to look in the mirror and acknowledge

[00:17:08] Some things

[00:17:09] And I did that and

[00:17:13] I didn't really like what I saw but I knew that I didn't like it so it's like okay if I don't like this

[00:17:19] I can change this

[00:17:21] I can do better. I can be better

[00:17:24] You know

[00:17:25] I don't think there is a

[00:17:27] Mother out there who doesn't want to be a great mom for their kids

[00:17:32] That's not what this was

[00:17:34] You know, this was

[00:17:35] This was I loved my children and I I'm so grateful that I get to be with them every day

[00:17:40] But sometimes I don't want to be with them and that's okay

[00:17:45] Hmm

[00:17:46] But I didn't know it was okay. I felt like a monster

[00:17:51] You know and there's also a great big group of people who cannot have children and

[00:17:58] Struggle for years and have all kinds of you know

[00:18:02] Challenges and and it's heartbreaking and here I am

[00:18:06] What these three beautiful children that I didn't have to jump through hoops to get and I have the audacity to not want to spend

[00:18:16] All my life or all my days with them. You know, it's a very

[00:18:19] Touchy little little road there and I needed to

[00:18:24] Really get right with myself in my head and in my heart about that

[00:18:30] And what

[00:18:32] Ultimately what it came down to is mindset right

[00:18:38] I

[00:18:39] Had to be really honest with myself and then I had to sort of make like some mindset shifts like

[00:18:46] Okay, my kids are being really difficult today

[00:18:49] It's just today. It's not my entire life

[00:18:52] It's not gonna last forever. They're children. They're growing. They don't understand

[00:18:58] Nobody's perfect and so I sort of started acknowledging that like

[00:19:04] Listen, you guys are having a hard time right now. I'm not handling it well. I yelled

[00:19:09] I'm sorry that I yelled

[00:19:11] But just because I'm taller than you and older than you doesn't mean I have it all figured out

[00:19:17] I'm not perfect. I'm a human you're a human you're screaming at me because you don't have your shoes on the right feed

[00:19:24] I'm screaming at you because you won't let me help you. It's so stupid we're both mad, but like for human right and

[00:19:32] You gotta acknowledge that and so

[00:19:35] Letting myself off the hook a little bit and just acknowledging that like

[00:19:40] It's okay if I'm not a perfect mom there's no such thing as a perfect mom like it's not attainable

[00:19:47] Because there's no such thing as a perfect human

[00:19:49] You know right yeah and

[00:19:52] To my children I am the perfect mom. They think the sun shines out of every piece of my body like they cannot wait to see me in the morning

[00:20:02] They want on sleep with me at night two my children I am the world

[00:20:08] And that that is important to also pay attention to you know

[00:20:13] So your original question what sort of like helped me get out of

[00:20:18] That place where I decided that I was gonna you know change

[00:20:23] Being being honest with myself

[00:20:26] Really acknowledging what I was feeling

[00:20:29] What I wanted to feel and then doing the work to get there

[00:20:34] So my next big question I'm kind of ready answer, but I'm gonna ask

[00:20:40] Has the guilt disappeared?

[00:20:45] Has the guilt disappeared if that's a great question

[00:20:48] I

[00:20:52] Don't know

[00:20:54] It hasn't disappeared, but it doesn't take me out the way that it used to and I'm gonna tell you what I mean by that

[00:21:01] it used to be

[00:21:04] I practice hot yoga my favorite form of exercise

[00:21:08] I started before we had children and

[00:21:11] Throughout my pregnancy journeys and you know nursing my children and just being a mom

[00:21:17] My practice has not been consistent or strong so I've taken a lot of breaks and

[00:21:24] One of the things that

[00:21:27] I always would try to get back into my schedule as soon as I could like physically do it in like a healthy way because when you're pregnant

[00:21:34] My doctors like don't do hi yoga

[00:21:36] And when you're nursing it's not always comfortable because all the things so

[00:21:41] I would start trying to get yoga back on my schedule and

[00:21:45] And if it meant that I had to miss dinner, I wouldn't go if it meant that I couldn't put my kids to bed

[00:21:51] I wouldn't go like I would literally

[00:21:55] Talk myself out of doing things that we're going to in like make me you know

[00:22:01] Give me a real break and help pour into myself

[00:22:04] Fill my own cup, you know because I felt like a monster because I wasn't eating dinner with my family or I wasn't putting my kids to bed

[00:22:11] That's not the case anymore because

[00:22:13] I have come to the other side of it and I have learned that

[00:22:18] Putting your kids to get to bed when you're burnt out and everyone's fighting and everyone's yelling

[00:22:24] That's not better than missing it all together

[00:22:27] You know like

[00:22:28] If my husband gets home from work and he knows that I've had a day then me getting to step away is the best thing for everyone

[00:22:38] So so making sure that I

[00:22:41] Gagible those things that I want to do for me that make me a better mariah that reset me

[00:22:49] Fill me up with a joy

[00:22:52] Make me feel like I'm taking care of myself as well as everybody else in my family

[00:22:58] Those are the things that I choose to do in spite of the little

[00:23:04] You know like twinges of guilt that I feel and so when you say

[00:23:09] Did it go away? It didn't go away

[00:23:11] But the difference now is that I know what it is I can recognize it and I know how to

[00:23:18] It's a back to that mindset you have to really think about this like okay

[00:23:22] I feel a little bit guilty. Where is that coming from? How real is that for me?

[00:23:28] Yep, how real is that for me and then

[00:23:32] You know

[00:23:33] What is gonna make what's the best decision for me right now because this is what it's about right

[00:23:38] Me going to yoga has nothing to do with everybody else in my family. Do I need this right now?

[00:23:44] And then and then you know making the decision that's the best decision for me in those moments

[00:23:50] Yeah, let's go back to what you just said that question of how real is this guilt?

[00:23:56] How do you work through that because I feel that's probably a question not a lot of us ask ourselves

[00:24:02] You know that's one of my favorite questions to ask when I'm working with my coaching clients like how real is that feeling for you

[00:24:11] And it's definitely one that like gets people thinking and I

[00:24:16] The answer to that question is always different than you think it's going to be

[00:24:23] How real is that for you so when I'm let's say I'm

[00:24:28] I'm not

[00:24:30] My daughter has dance

[00:24:32] Practice on Tuesdays and our whole family used to go because the club that we go to has like a gym or my one daughter can play basketball

[00:24:40] There's like a place space for my son so like we can all kind of go hang out while my one daughter's in practice

[00:24:46] And during this session of dance, I've stopped going my husband just takes the three kids and I have that hour

[00:24:53] to sit down and read or shower, you know, whatever I decide to do

[00:24:58] And I haven't felt guilty about that even one time because

[00:25:04] Like what is what is what am I missing? I spent my whole day with with you know

[00:25:11] And they're going to have fun whether I'm there or not

[00:25:13] I'm probably just gonna sit down and watch them do whatever they're doing

[00:25:17] I'll probably bring my book and read my book anyway or get back to some emails or whatever

[00:25:22] So how real is that guilt right now? Well, it's not really real at all actually and it's just like an old habit

[00:25:31] Feeling that way is just like an old habit

[00:25:34] And how do you how do you navigate breaking those old habits

[00:25:39] When you have a partner because I feel like they play a role too, right? You've been

[00:25:44] Doing motherhood or parenthood a certain way for so long. So how did you navigate that with your partner to find

[00:25:52] Balance again?

[00:25:53] You know, we had after I started working with my new therapist

[00:25:58] One of the things that sort of kept coming up for me was how

[00:26:03] We were parenting and like I said it was also during the election, right? So it was like a lot of questions about like

[00:26:10] women's rights and you know the the

[00:26:16] gender

[00:26:18] Equality all of the things right and

[00:26:22] There was um

[00:26:24] There was a lot during that time. There's there's still a lot of work to be done

[00:26:28] Having those conversations with my husband helped me

[00:26:32] Realize that not only was there some

[00:26:36] infusion on

[00:26:39] Both of our parts about some of it and how would we how we would handle some of those scenarios

[00:26:44] How we wanted to show up as parents during those difficult conversations how we wanted to parent

[00:26:51] If certain situations ever arose in our future it was really important to me that we got on the same page with that stuff

[00:26:58] You know like we're raising two girls and a boy and

[00:27:04] I am a strong

[00:27:06] female

[00:27:08] And I have

[00:27:09] very liberal

[00:27:11] um

[00:27:13] use so parenting

[00:27:16] is a lot you know like

[00:27:18] We don't lie to our kids we have conversations there was a lot of conversations about Donald Trump

[00:27:22] There was a lot of conversations about you know there were days where I was crying because I was worried and afraid

[00:27:29] And my oldest daughter would ask what's a matter you know because they know that there's an election

[00:27:34] They're talking about it at school. They're having pretend elections at school. They're doing all of the things

[00:27:38] So it was an open discussion and was everything that happened a conversation? No, we protected our children from some of that

[00:27:46] But the point is that during that time my husband and I had to have a very honest conversation about

[00:27:52] What track we were on and if it was if it was the same one and so we actually met with my therapist more than once and had like a

[00:28:00] couple's

[00:28:03] And we talked about you know our morals and our values and how we how we see our family life going and what we want for our family and we

[00:28:13] We realized that we want the same things and we're on the same page and and everything sort of aligned at that point

[00:28:20] So that was really good because that was around

[00:28:23] Gosh, it's gonna be 10 years

[00:28:25] next month that we've been married so that was what like six around six or seven years

[00:28:29] And it was just a good idea to have a check in at that point and

[00:28:34] It just was sort of forced because of like my affinity you know

[00:28:39] Is that that really helps and I think going forward from that my husband

[00:28:45] Just really understood

[00:28:47] okay

[00:28:48] Mariah needs more and

[00:28:52] I'm gonna support her

[00:28:55] In whatever that looks like

[00:28:57] And so we are just very open with each other. I tell him hey, I'm having a heavy day

[00:29:03] I don't know what it is

[00:29:04] I just feel kind of walky today

[00:29:06] I just need like a little extra care or extra space and he can tag in like do you need a loan time?

[00:29:13] What you know like what is it and and so that's been really good

[00:29:18] in terms of

[00:29:21] How parenting you know kind of switched because now I'm not I'm not they're back in call

[00:29:26] I'm not the 24 seven you know short fur and house made and all the things I was honest

[00:29:32] I told my kids you guys are driving me crazy. I need to get out of the house for a few minutes

[00:29:38] I need to do something for just me, you know my my middle daughter would cry when I would leave for yoga

[00:29:43] I don't want you to leave and it's like

[00:29:46] I'm sorry you don't want me to leave but I like yoga

[00:29:49] I want to do something that I like to do you know and so just

[00:29:53] Being very honest with them about how I was feeling and what I needed to feel better and then modeling that and doing those things

[00:30:02] I see the changes in them too

[00:30:06] because

[00:30:07] because it's a you know what's the best

[00:30:10] Being an example is like the best way to help people learn right

[00:30:14] So

[00:30:16] When they see their mom taking care of themselves

[00:30:19] They then understand that they should take care of themselves

[00:30:23] And that's so powerful but I I also feel like

[00:30:28] That goes against the status quo right. I don't think a lot of parents are that honest with their children

[00:30:35] So how did you

[00:30:38] I mean, how did you find the courage to do that was it scary or was it something that just felt right

[00:30:44] It wasn't known scary is the wrong word. It did feel right it felt natural

[00:30:50] I grew up in a house where

[00:30:54] Nobody talked about the problems that were happening everyone pretended everything was great

[00:30:58] There was a lot of yelling there was a lot of blaming there was a lot of toxic

[00:31:05] Not not good stuff and I have always been

[00:31:10] The black sheep of the family because I've always just been honest and direct and

[00:31:16] I

[00:31:17] Figured out from a very young age that I didn't take my parents seriously

[00:31:23] I remember catching them in lies a few times

[00:31:27] I remember witnessing them lie to other people

[00:31:31] And I just always was like

[00:31:33] This isn't you right like this isn't you like the way that you're supposed to like do life

[00:31:39] And I I didn't have

[00:31:43] Like healthy

[00:31:45] Excuse me, healthy relationships modeled for me and so

[00:31:49] Growing up my relationships in high school were not healthy with friendships or a significant others that moved right along with me into my early 20s and into college and

[00:32:01] I

[00:32:02] Had this nasty habit of always

[00:32:05] Feeling like I was too much for the room instead of

[00:32:12] Embracing that and finding the people that wanted to celebrate that

[00:32:17] I somehow was always

[00:32:20] Around myself with the people who wanted to like dull my shine

[00:32:24] Because that's what I knew from growing up and so

[00:32:28] My husband and I actually met in college and dated briefly and I didn't we didn't stay together

[00:32:34] Thank goodness because it wouldn't have lasted if we had but we took up like a four-year break actually where we didn't have any communication

[00:32:40] And we were not we were doing our own thing and when we reconnected I was really in a place

[00:32:48] To have a relationship with someone who wanted to celebrate who I was

[00:32:54] And he had always been that person even the first time we did it

[00:32:58] But I wasn't I didn't know I didn't know how to do that. I did not or receive that

[00:33:02] I didn't love myself. I had I spent my entire life being told you're too loud your two dramatic you're to this you're too that a lot of

[00:33:10] attention because of my looks and

[00:33:13] It made me it just has always made me feel

[00:33:17] wrong and so

[00:33:20] Yeah, and so when my husband and I when we reconnected I had just spent about a year

[00:33:27] I had moved away. I moved I live in Wisconsin right now, but after college I moved to Colorado for about a year and just kind of

[00:33:35] Did whatever I wanted to do and hung out and had fun and you know was 23 and that was when we reconnected

[00:33:42] And I was just in a place where it was like okay I'm ready to be loved the way that I like deserve to be loved

[00:33:48] And I'm ready to like pour into another person the way that I the way that I do the way that I love like everybody has the way that they love right

[00:33:57] From the beginning we've always wanted to parent different

[00:34:01] Then our parents

[00:34:03] Parented and so you ask was it hard to be honest with your children?

[00:34:08] No

[00:34:10] Because I wish that my parents had been honest with me

[00:34:13] Right because kids are not stupid and if I thought some of the decisions that my parents made were like foolish or I

[00:34:21] Judged them for it or I was like I can't even get on your level right now as a kid or as a teenager

[00:34:26] As a young adult

[00:34:28] I don't want my kids to think I'm like not a good person

[00:34:33] It's very important to me that I am a good person and that we're raising good people

[00:34:37] Because I think it starts at home and I think it's intentional work that has to be done

[00:34:41] Yeah, and if we go back to what you said about learning to love yourself

[00:34:46] What would your advice be

[00:34:48] For women in particular out there who aren't at that point yet?

[00:34:52] But they sort of have recognized that they need to change

[00:34:56] What would be your advice to get to that point?

[00:34:58] So it just comes back to that honest thing. I feel like it all comes back to being honest like

[00:35:05] You have to be honest with yourself if you can't be honest with yourself like

[00:35:10] For example if you lie in therapy, are you gonna grow?

[00:35:17] If you lie in a relationship is that relationship going to thrive and be healthy

[00:35:22] No if you lie to your children. Like you can't live on lies

[00:35:28] If you feel something inside and you're like I am meant for more or there's something in there

[00:35:33] I can't quite touch it, but I know there's something in there because I have that feeling

[00:35:37] the fastest way

[00:35:40] To that is honesty

[00:35:42] What am I feeling?

[00:35:44] Where does that come from? You know like for me

[00:35:48] I have always had a lot to say and I've always had really big feelings

[00:35:54] And I would love to be like on a stage some day as like a motivational speaker or you know whatever

[00:36:01] I grew up feeling like I should be smaller. I should shrink right? You're too dramatic

[00:36:06] You're overreacting. That's not really what happened this you know your you're too much Mariah

[00:36:12] But that's my superpower

[00:36:15] You know like being too much is my superpower

[00:36:18] But I didn't know that until I started like examining like why do you feel like you have to shrink

[00:36:25] When it goes against how you physically feel when it feels bad to make yourself smaller

[00:36:31] Why is that where does that come from? Where did this idea where your supposed to shrink come from?

[00:36:39] If it came from your childhood okay, let's go back to your childhood

[00:36:42] Who made you feel like you have to shrink your parents okay

[00:36:47] What's your opinion of your parents in terms of respect in terms of like

[00:36:51] You know how real is that for you?

[00:36:56] You know you kind of have to work backward a little bit before you can work for it because if you can't

[00:37:00] Understand where those feelings come from you can't really break down how real they are for you

[00:37:04] Right did it something you were told?

[00:37:07] Did it something you've learned is it something you saw

[00:37:10] You know because a lot of the times it's not something you came up with on your own

[00:37:14] Yeah, and I think was so conditioned. Oh yeah, especially women right?

[00:37:20] You can't be like too big or too small you can't be too loud or too quiet

[00:37:25] You can't be a state-home mom you can't go to work like there's so many rules and parameters and boxes

[00:37:33] But but it's all everybody else telling us what we should be doing when really we should be asking ourselves

[00:37:39] What do you want to do?

[00:37:41] Right

[00:37:43] But there's no but there's no room for that, right? There's not a lot of room for that so

[00:37:49] my

[00:37:50] goal when I work with with women is what do you want to do like what's missing right now

[00:37:57] Because we can figure out a way to add that in you know

[00:38:00] There's gonna be sacrifice it's not gonna be easy

[00:38:03] You're gonna have to change some of those

[00:38:05] Limited beliefs and some of that like old thinking you're not to rewrite the rules that have been written for you right because a lot of the time

[00:38:12] We'll get to like midlife and you find yourself like, you know sort of lost or spiraling and it's like well

[00:38:18] What rules are you living in your life and where did those rules come from?

[00:38:22] Work hard. Okay. Where did you learn that? Does work what is work hard mean to you does that mean drive yourself into the ground?

[00:38:29] Always do over time never have any time for fun. Is that what work hard is for you?

[00:38:34] Well, yeah my dad blah blah blah he never won on vacation. He never did this he never did that like there are rules

[00:38:40] Yeah, they're like these unspoken rules and

[00:38:45] I think a lot of us don't stop to question

[00:38:49] Whether these rules or beliefs are actually our own like you were saying you really got to be honest with yourself and go hang on

[00:38:55] Where did this come from and?

[00:38:57] Quite often we didn't come up with it

[00:39:00] Right, so it's right

[00:39:01] No, yeah almost deconditioning yourself and discovering yourself from the ground up and

[00:39:09] You've mentioned honesty over and over through this episode. And I think that's so true and

[00:39:15] I want people listening to know and you've mentioned this is not easy it is hard work

[00:39:21] But I think

[00:39:23] Life is going to change if you do that hard work

[00:39:27] So can you share how has your life changed?

[00:39:32] Yeah, I mean I am joyful

[00:39:35] I met peace

[00:39:36] I seek

[00:39:38] I seek out joy

[00:39:40] In my day to day

[00:39:42] I've taken the pressure off of myself

[00:39:45] It's okay if like a day doesn't go with the way that it's planned or the way that you expect to we are humans we can adapt and

[00:39:52] I've accepted that

[00:39:54] Okay, I planned on doing this today now. I have a kid home sick

[00:39:59] So now today I'm not working today. I'm a mom and if I try to do both

[00:40:04] Everyone's gonna cry and I'm not gonna get anything done

[00:40:07] I'm not gonna be a good mom. I'm not gonna be a good coach so today is just a mom day

[00:40:11] I mean, what?

[00:40:12] I'm present hang out with my kid

[00:40:14] I have fun. I try to like be supportive and be there for them whatever their sicknesses or whatever the issue is

[00:40:21] And I just lean into that because here's what I've learned

[00:40:25] You can wear or you can have as many hats in your closet as you want to wear and you can wear all of them

[00:40:34] But you cannot wear more than one at the same time

[00:40:37] And that's what I was trying to do. I was burnt out on trying to wear all my hats at the same time

[00:40:44] And I felt like a failure because I couldn't be a hundred percent here and a hundred percent here and a hundred percent here

[00:40:51] You know like it was like I was pie and it was all getting divided up

[00:40:55] And it's sucked

[00:40:59] awful

[00:41:00] I really have just

[00:41:02] started prioritizing

[00:41:05] myself and I think that it looks a little different to everybody because

[00:41:12] everybody has different hobbies, right?

[00:41:14] And some people have no hobbies and that's a really scary place to be

[00:41:18] Sometimes I'll talk to these these women and it's like okay what's what's like one thing that you can do for yourself this week?

[00:41:26] One thing and these women just stare at me. They're like they can't come up with it

[00:41:33] And it's like okay, well, what do you like to do and it's like they can't remember

[00:41:38] Okay, what did you use to like to do you know and so I've started really considering

[00:41:45] How I want to spend my time and then doing that

[00:41:50] Some women they work out of the house and they have a really hard time because family dinners don't happen

[00:41:57] And there's a lot of guilt that surrounds that like meal times are chaos for them because everybody it's just a mess

[00:42:02] And I'm like you know what really bothers you about that and it's like well

[00:42:06] I like my job

[00:42:08] But it keeps me away from like this tradition that like I had growing up, you know my family always that's on at the table

[00:42:14] And I wanted to do that with my family and it's like okay, is it reasonable for your life

[00:42:22] To spend seven days of week having a family dinner. She's like no

[00:42:26] It's not and I was like okay, well, like what is reasonable?

[00:42:29] How many days can you do it without without having to bend in ways that are uncomfortable?

[00:42:35] And I think she she ended up figuring out there was like one or two nights a week. They had a family dinner

[00:42:39] And it's like okay, those two dinners are so meaningful for your kids that's so intentional and so magical

[00:42:46] It doesn't matter that it's not seven days a week one or two days is

[00:42:51] Better than no days. You know, so it's like a mindset thing

[00:42:54] It's not about all of it at one

[00:42:57] It's it's about a little it's about given take here and there and so that is what I have learned

[00:43:03] I have learned that I can't be everything to everyone at the same time

[00:43:07] I have learned to say no to things that I don't want to do like if I'm sitting down and I'm reading a book and everything

[00:43:13] Squiet and my child comes to me and they're like will you play this game of me?

[00:43:16] If I want to play that game, I play the game if I don't want to

[00:43:20] I'm actually reading right now

[00:43:21] But you could ask your dad or your sister whoever or let me finish this chapter and then I'll take a break and we'll play the game

[00:43:28] But it used to be mom and I whatever I'm doing I drop and go run to my kids

[00:43:34] But it doesn't teach them anything good, you know

[00:43:38] Yeah, and I I'm learning to say no

[00:43:41] Can be really challenging. It's so important

[00:43:44] We need to learn to put ourselves first because I think and I'll be interested to hear your thoughts on this

[00:43:50] I feel like it allows us to show up in a better way and in your case

[00:43:55] It would allow you to shop is a better mother a better partner. You know a better coach and your business

[00:44:00] Because you're learning to put your needs first

[00:44:03] Because you know it's such a cliche, but if you don't look after yourself

[00:44:07] How you gonna look after other people?

[00:44:08] Yeah, you know I tell one of the things that I say in my coaching business is taking care of yourself as part of taking care of your kids

[00:44:15] Yes, you know because it is you can't you can't be

[00:44:21] You can't show up in a meaningful way if you're always stressed and you're always tired

[00:44:26] And you're always burnt out and you're always a scatterbrain thinking of all the things that you're supposed to do and so you asked me like

[00:44:34] What changed for me or how like what's your life like now? And it's like I am so intentional with my time and what I mean by that is

[00:44:43] I

[00:44:44] Whatever I'm doing is is what I'm meant to be doing and I actually learned that when I got my coaching license

[00:44:50] The program I went through I was pretty we had like a group and the group of five women that I was

[00:44:56] Match up with we got pretty close and one of the women was like my

[00:45:02] View point and my like motto is whatever I'm doing right now. That's my purpose

[00:45:09] That's what I'm supposed to be doing so that's what I'm doing if it's grocery shopping

[00:45:12] I don't need to worry about the meeting that's coming up

[00:45:15] I don't need to worry about whatever. I'm grocery shopping right now

[00:45:18] It's a silly example, but it's like it's so true

[00:45:21] So when I am spending time with my kids

[00:45:23] I'm with my kids

[00:45:25] I'm not thinking about the email that I want to send

[00:45:28] I'm not thinking about what I'm gonna do it like it's it's

[00:45:31] it's a human

[00:45:33] thing

[00:45:35] To always be thinking of the next thing right and anticipating what's next

[00:45:40] That's normal. That's why most people can't meditate right because they can't turn off their brain

[00:45:46] But that is also why meditation is so valuable because it helps you slow down and stay present

[00:45:52] And so I know that it's like cliche

[00:45:54] For me to say that I've learned to be present, but it truly has changed and if I find myself

[00:46:01] unable to

[00:46:03] Like sit on the floor and play with my kid like there's a reason like what is it?

[00:46:07] What's bothering me and then I have to really be honest about that like is it that I don't want to be playing right now?

[00:46:13] Okay, don't play right now

[00:46:16] Step away because being there with and you don't really want to be like that doesn't do anything for anyone either

[00:46:22] It's a lot of like I said. It's just a lot of like checking in with yourself

[00:46:27] Check your mindset as often as you check your phone

[00:46:31] Wow, yeah, yeah, and most of us check our phones a lot

[00:46:37] Well, and honestly it's funny because that's one of the other things that I've really

[00:46:42] dialed back is how much time I spend on social media

[00:46:47] Because

[00:46:48] The thing that was missing in my life was me time and so I really had to like pull

[00:46:54] pockets right like it's not like I

[00:46:56] Somehow figured out how to add five extra hours into our day

[00:46:59] I had to move things around. I had to change things around and one of the things that I was doing

[00:47:04] That was the time suck was scrolling on my phone and it doesn't make you happy

[00:47:09] That's all garbage out there. It's all it makes you do is compare your life to everybody else

[00:47:13] Oh, they're doing that. Why did I think to do that or they look so good in that picture?

[00:47:18] Why can't I address like that or you know god only knows there's a million examples

[00:47:22] But social media

[00:47:24] It's not like a safe healthy space for your mind and

[00:47:27] And I don't feel good after scrolling my phone for 30 minutes. My brain feels like fuzzy and it's like

[00:47:36] It's still waste of time in my opinion. I think that social media can be a meaningful thing if people if you

[00:47:42] You have boundaries healthy boundaries and

[00:47:45] One of the things that I realized is that I was wasting time just screwing around on my phone

[00:47:50] And it wasn't even making me happy and so I stopped doing that. Yeah, simple as that right

[00:47:56] And I feel like I'm not there exactly and

[00:48:01] I'd like to know if you agree with this. I think getting clear on what's important to you and your values

[00:48:08] Really helps you make those decisions. It's like well, you know

[00:48:13] What's important to me looking after myself spending time with my kids my husband my partner and is

[00:48:19] Sitting on social media allowing me to do this. Is it giving me joy? You know when I really had to

[00:48:26] Work through some of that because

[00:48:29] Social media is also a tool that I used to run my business and so I started to feel really resentful about that because it's like

[00:48:36] I don't want to post

[00:48:38] I want to coach but like I can't coach if I don't have clients and I got to get client

[00:48:42] You know, so there is a little bit of a like given given taking that scenario. I really

[00:48:48] tried to you know

[00:48:51] I saw

[00:48:53] Who was it oh at we had a couple different things giving and

[00:48:57] At one of my things giving I saw one of my cousins that I haven't seen in years

[00:49:01] But we communicate a lot on social media and

[00:49:05] She she hugs me and she's like oh my gosh

[00:49:07] I feel like I like saw you yesterday because we you know whatever and I was like I know isn't it crazy?

[00:49:12] And then we didn't really have anything to talk about and I was like it's so funny that we don't have anything to talk about because

[00:49:18] We've seen everything that we've been doing. It's like we've already been talking and I said it's not crazy

[00:49:23] That's what social media does you you can't even have a conversation with people because

[00:49:28] It's just wild. I just I don't know. I tried really I tried to dial back my

[00:49:35] Social media presence it has affected my business in some ways

[00:49:39] I'm not moving as quickly as I had hoped to move

[00:49:43] But if the trade-off is like peace and

[00:49:46] Like mental clarity rather than them loving noise that I hear

[00:49:52] Like those things are good the work that I can put out there is

[00:49:57] Better because I am better

[00:50:01] Right yeah, and you know speaking of running a business

[00:50:06] There's a lot of expectations on that as well. You know things I hear when as I'm trying to start up my business

[00:50:12] You know you got a scale scale and you know, you got to grow fast

[00:50:16] But like you said is that's not you know if it doesn't feel right if it's not bringing you peace

[00:50:21] Then why are you doing it? Yeah

[00:50:23] That's very common people get very burnt out quickly

[00:50:27] Starting new businesses. That's a lot of times why they fail in the beginning

[00:50:30] They get burnt out from like the go-go-go hustle culture that's on social media

[00:50:35] I am very much

[00:50:39] I feel like I'm like in tune with the universe and I have a lot of

[00:50:45] belief in that like what you put out comes back and

[00:50:48] Like there's abundance and there's all the things I believe that when you're on social media

[00:50:53] If you're about to post something or put something out there if you're not in the right space to do it

[00:50:58] If you don't feel good about what you're putting out there if you feel resentful that you have to post or you like just

[00:51:04] If you don't feel good that is what is coming across the people

[00:51:09] You're not gonna find the people that are there to receive you

[00:51:13] You're gonna find the people that are also feeling crappy or also, you know

[00:51:16] So it's like the universe is always paying attention. I think that's really good advice

[00:51:22] If it doesn't feel right then we're doing right? That's a huge red flag

[00:51:25] Yeah, if you can't intentionally you know participate in a way that like feels authentic

[00:51:32] It's just not gonna work and that's like a lot of people, you know social media is like the highlight real

[00:51:38] Right it's all the good stuff and people say to me

[00:51:43] I feel like I gravitate towards you because of how honest you are and because you show

[00:51:50] The raw part of it too and you talk about that the difficult stuff and hey

[00:51:54] I'm not for everyone. I know that I know that not everybody can handle all honest I am or how direct I am

[00:52:01] I know that people do not want

[00:52:04] Like to share their business or have those difficult conversations and that's fine

[00:52:10] Everyone should do what works for them but I

[00:52:14] Don't actually believe that

[00:52:17] Not being honest and

[00:52:20] living a life that doesn't bring you joy is

[00:52:24] Working for anyone. I think it's a lot of just like duck your stock and you've accepted it

[00:52:31] Mm-hmm and a lot of us aren't being honest with ourselves, right? So we're not even acknowledging it

[00:52:38] Yeah, it's just coming out in other ways, right bad habits

[00:52:42] Oxick behavior

[00:52:44] You have to say yeah, I always whenever I'm like starting to like feel my body like when I'm like okay

[00:52:50] I'm getting anxious or oh I feel like I'm getting mad or I feel like I'm getting resentful

[00:52:54] I always ask myself where is this coming from?

[00:52:57] Because it's not the situation at hand ever. It's always something else

[00:53:03] You know, I'm not yelling at my kids right now because

[00:53:06] You know of what they're doing

[00:53:08] It's because my husband has worked the last seven days in a row and my kids had a bleak-off of school

[00:53:13] And one of them is sick and the other one has pink eye and I'm burnt out

[00:53:16] That's why I'm yelling. I'm not yelling because I care about whatever is going on

[00:53:20] I am yelling because I need to break. So true

[00:53:24] So true. Let's change a talk of it a

[00:53:28] Final question is a bit of a tradition now on the podcast is I like to ask my guests

[00:53:34] What does freedom mean to you? The podcast is called the pursuit of freedom

[00:53:38] So this is something I'd like to know your take on so freedom to me

[00:53:44] means

[00:53:46] that I can

[00:53:49] be exactly who I am and

[00:53:54] be joyful

[00:53:56] I just want to find joy in my life. I

[00:53:59] want to raise

[00:54:02] Healthy children, you know mentally healthy children and

[00:54:07] I want to be able to experience my life

[00:54:13] That's what freedom means to me being able to experience my life because I think it's very easy to get

[00:54:18] That stuck into like the day to day routine and

[00:54:25] Not take into consideration that we only get a hundred years

[00:54:30] There's nothing more, you know, you don't get a second chance and so if you're in a job that you hate

[00:54:38] Probably something to reconsider if you're in a relationship

[00:54:41] That's not good probably something to consider

[00:54:44] Most people stay stuck because changing is hard and

[00:54:48] Making those decisions is hard. It's like what is it costing you to stay in that abusive relationship?

[00:54:56] What is it costing you to stay at that job that you hate because when you get home

[00:55:01] You're a monster because you feel all upset about your job and then you take it out in your kids and then your kids get older and what do they remember?

[00:55:07] The freedom freedom to me means being having the ability

[00:55:11] to seek joy

[00:55:14] That's beautiful and I just want to go back to something you said which really resonates with me

[00:55:20] You know, what is the cost? I think we often focus on

[00:55:25] The downsides of making this change. You know as humans we're programmed to avoid pain

[00:55:30] And so we we look at the potential risks and we'll like oh, I can't do that

[00:55:34] But if you switch your thinking and go well, what's the cost of me staying how I am now?

[00:55:40] I

[00:55:41] Think it makes the decision pretty clear in most cases. Absolutely and then you just what it comes down to is bright being brave

[00:55:49] Do you have what it takes to change your life?

[00:55:51] Does do you care enough to be the person that you've always wanted to be?

[00:55:58] That's powerful. Do you care enough to be the person you want to be?

[00:56:02] Hmm

[00:56:04] Mariah, thank you so much. I have learned a lot through this conversation

[00:56:11] being honest with yourself

[00:56:14] asking yourself how real are my feelings right now? Especially when it centers around guilt

[00:56:21] There's no real sorry. There's no right way to be a mother

[00:56:27] Looks different for everybody

[00:56:29] And

[00:56:31] You know freedom looks different for everybody too so it was beautiful to hear your take on it and

[00:56:36] You know, you're thoughts on thinking about the cost of your decisions. I think is so important

[00:56:43] So once again, thank you so much

[00:56:46] I hope to have you on the show again because I know you have so much more wisdom to share

[00:56:51] It's been an absolute blast. So thank you

[00:56:54] So much. Thank you for asking

[00:56:56] meaningful questions. I just appreciate the opportunity to have this conversation with them for again

[00:57:01] So thank you

[00:57:03] Yeah, thank you

[00:57:05] If this episode resonated with you at all could I please ask that you share it with a friend?

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[00:57:36] Thank you so much. I appreciate you

[00:57:39] Remember you matter your worth it and you are so so capable take care of yourself and I'll see you next week